This Oil Spill is MONEY!

So everyone is really up in arms about this oil spill that happened in the Gulf of Mexico, apparently its a huge environmental disaster that we're going to feel for years to come. Dolphins are dying, pelicans are blowing up, and fish are going straight up silly in the ocean. There's a really good chance that the Gulf will never get completely cleaned up and the ecosystem is forever ruined. Great news everyone: It's not that bad!


First off, Only the stupid animals get oil on themselves. That is a true statement! Hahahaha! Look at that picture of that stupid bird! What an asshole! I bet he was all like "Hey, I wonder what all this black stuff I'm swimming in is? AWWW man! It's OIL! Really?! Who did this? Phil? Was it fucking you Phil? You're a jerk, dude! Who puts oil in the ocean? I'm such an asshole! If I was flying and not dicking around in the ocean this would never have happened! PHIL!" There's a really good chance that oceanic birds have names like Phil and whatever the above bird's name is. Many of you will say "Leo! Dolphins are super smart! Why are they affected?" FACT: "Dolphins are not smart, if they were they would not live in the BORING ocean." -Dr. Mortimer Smartzenstein. Dolphins get stuck in Tuna nets all the time, I have never been caught in a net. EVER. So therefore I'm smarter than a dolphin and if I'm smarter than a dolphin they are pretty fucking dumb.

Secondly, We can't drink salt water. Trust me I've tried many times but it can't be done. What's my point? The oil spilled in water right? We drink water right? The water the oil spilled in was salt water right? We can't drink salt water right? THE OIL SPILL HAPPENED ON SHIT WE DON'T FUCKING NEED ANYWAY!!!!!!!!! Is everyone living in crazy town?! Why does everyone care?! Not only that but the most contaminated areas are islands protected to preserve wildlife. So they're animals we cant hunt to make food from! Worthless! All of those animals are worthless, the water is undrinkable, and islands aren't even man enough to be continents! Suck my dick planet Earth!


Lets wrap this shit up! It all seems clear to me that all of you tree hugging hippies and eco friendly hipsters don't want the inevitable Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland from Mad Max to happen. You people don't want this happening because you're a bunch of pussies! Lord knows you can't put up a fight wearing nerd glasses and fedoras, you wouldn't last two seconds in the fucking THUNDERDOME! Your "going green society" has turned you into the punk ass marks that would be the first to fall under the iron hand of Lord Humungus and his futuristic biker gang. I'm a firm believer that the oil spill is the first in a set of cataclysmic events that will bring forth the environmental apocalypse, and I'm getting ready for the world of tomorrow. While my gang is pillaging your hipster havens for its resources and my hard hand is choking your scrawny neck while you're coughing up blood onto your skinny jeans, you'll think "Damn he was right... That oil spill WAS money!"
BOOM!