This Oil Spill is MONEY!

So everyone is really up in arms about this oil spill that happened in the Gulf of Mexico, apparently its a huge environmental disaster that we're going to feel for years to come. Dolphins are dying, pelicans are blowing up, and fish are going straight up silly in the ocean. There's a really good chance that the Gulf will never get completely cleaned up and the ecosystem is forever ruined. Great news everyone: It's not that bad!


First off, Only the stupid animals get oil on themselves. That is a true statement! Hahahaha! Look at that picture of that stupid bird! What an asshole! I bet he was all like "Hey, I wonder what all this black stuff I'm swimming in is? AWWW man! It's OIL! Really?! Who did this? Phil? Was it fucking you Phil? You're a jerk, dude! Who puts oil in the ocean? I'm such an asshole! If I was flying and not dicking around in the ocean this would never have happened! PHIL!" There's a really good chance that oceanic birds have names like Phil and whatever the above bird's name is. Many of you will say "Leo! Dolphins are super smart! Why are they affected?" FACT: "Dolphins are not smart, if they were they would not live in the BORING ocean." -Dr. Mortimer Smartzenstein. Dolphins get stuck in Tuna nets all the time, I have never been caught in a net. EVER. So therefore I'm smarter than a dolphin and if I'm smarter than a dolphin they are pretty fucking dumb.

Secondly, We can't drink salt water. Trust me I've tried many times but it can't be done. What's my point? The oil spilled in water right? We drink water right? The water the oil spilled in was salt water right? We can't drink salt water right? THE OIL SPILL HAPPENED ON SHIT WE DON'T FUCKING NEED ANYWAY!!!!!!!!! Is everyone living in crazy town?! Why does everyone care?! Not only that but the most contaminated areas are islands protected to preserve wildlife. So they're animals we cant hunt to make food from! Worthless! All of those animals are worthless, the water is undrinkable, and islands aren't even man enough to be continents! Suck my dick planet Earth!


Lets wrap this shit up! It all seems clear to me that all of you tree hugging hippies and eco friendly hipsters don't want the inevitable Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland from Mad Max to happen. You people don't want this happening because you're a bunch of pussies! Lord knows you can't put up a fight wearing nerd glasses and fedoras, you wouldn't last two seconds in the fucking THUNDERDOME! Your "going green society" has turned you into the punk ass marks that would be the first to fall under the iron hand of Lord Humungus and his futuristic biker gang. I'm a firm believer that the oil spill is the first in a set of cataclysmic events that will bring forth the environmental apocalypse, and I'm getting ready for the world of tomorrow. While my gang is pillaging your hipster havens for its resources and my hard hand is choking your scrawny neck while you're coughing up blood onto your skinny jeans, you'll think "Damn he was right... That oil spill WAS money!"
BOOM!

Iron Man 2.... Love it or leave 'Merica!

Many of us called the first Iron Man: The best documentary EVER made. Iron Man 2 is the other best documentary ever filmed in REAL TIME! This movie is incredible! If you're a Marvel buff (like me) this movie is the closest we'll ever get to watching our children be born (don't kid yourselves we're fucking nerds, we don't get sex... without paying). Iron Man 2 is what we want all of our comic book movies to be, and Marvel Studios is delivering! Marvel Studios is keeping true to the characters and story lines of all its product while entertaining the movie crowd and keeping nerds happy!

Watching this movie gets me all hot and bothered with anticipation for the Thor, Captain America and Avengers movies. They have done such a fantastic job bringing Tony Stark to the big screen, Robert Downey Jr. plays him so well and he should really just start living like a Billionaire superhero playboy because however he lives his life in the real world is a fucking lie! I also like how they don't have Iron Man fighting petty street thugs because he isn't Batman, Iron Man battles big time super-villains and bangs chicks during breaks from kicking ass. I've read reviews where people state that there was too much talking in this film and not enough action till the end. Here's a newsflash: Iron Man has always been about Tony Stark, actually ALL Marvel comics have emphasized on the humanity of the characters more than the "super alter ego". That's why we learn more about Peter Parker and his troubles than we do about Spider-Man, or Bruce Banners dilemma with being a monster than we focus on the Hulk. I was more than happy with 2 and a half action sequences in a blockbuster super hero movie. We need to see Tony Stark dealing with his larger than life persona and witness his flawed character. More than anything we need to understand that Iron Man is perfect while Tony Stark is a complete screw up!

Mickey Rourke is great in this movie! Aside from his grandpa titties and dirtball looking face, Mickey Rourke was a hell of a Whiplash. Mickey Rourke OWNS his characters and did his complete best to become Whiplash. Can anyone not like Sam Rockwell? Sam Rockwell can play a complete douche better than anyone, He's like a better acting, uglier, more talented, smarter, but more of a failure Johnny from the Karate Kid. I UNDERSTAND THAT THAT DESCRIBES SOMEONE OTHER THAN JOHNNY FROM THE KARATE KID BUT SAM ROCKWELL IS AWESOME! The introduction of these two characters was exceptional and for the first time multiple villains has actually worked in a comic book movie! (Two-Face from the Dark Knight? Yeah... His five minutes as a minor annoyance was real super-villain worthy.
The last scene with Iron Man and War Machine fighting robot drones was ridiculous! I felt like we needed to see Iron Man just wrecking shit up, beating up on unmanned robo drones and making unnecessary decisions like fighting near civilian areas is awesome! Action scenes like this are truly a fanboys wet dream and they really stay true to the comics with Iron Man using the Unibeam, Repulsor blasts, and cool moves he can only do once because seeing it two many times kills the effect of seeing the move in the first place!

Iron Man 2 is doing such a great job at leading up to the Avengers, I really need to see that movie NOW! Especially if its full of Skrulls and a fight scene with the Hulk I might need an oxygen tank and a clean pair of pants at the theatre because I might have an actual SHIT ATTACK! Stop reading this and go see the damn movie! STAY AFTER THE CREDITS!!!!