What If... Lebron played for the Bulls?

We are all witness... To the BEST Chicago Bulls team since 1998. After a dominating 5-1 circus road trip, The Bulls will be back in town to take on the Orlando Magic. This games brings two things: The debut of our other Free agent Carlos Boozer, and a more than happy homecoming for our 13-2 Chicago Bulls. DRose and LBJ have combined for a total 62.3 ppg and 19.2 assists on their west coast tour!

I have to admit... this team GEEKS me the hell out! This town hasn't been this excited and hyped about basketball since the original #23 ran the court! Why is this team so good? Why are the NBA's ratings so high during Bulls games? One word: Chemistry. This team is all around NASTY! DRose has been commanding the offense, Lebron has been scoring like a beast, Noah has taken command of the boards and shows a athletic and defensive prowess that's unseen in most big men, Taj Gibson has stepped up and helped out with our lack of Boozer, hell.. even Luol Deng has become an all important 3rd option averaging 17.8 ppg!! So now Boozer's coming back? I don't think anyone in the NBA has an answer for this team. Back in LA after that incredible double OT game against the Lakers which ended 122-119 with the Lakers edging out the Bulls, Phil Jackson referred to the Bulls as a "Nightmare situation"! Phil was quoted as saying "This is a team that will take you to the limit, They have an amazing point guard in Rose and they have Lebron who will probably be the best player in the NBA during the next 10 years! Their role players step up and everyone plays their part! I think it's a definite possibility that these two teams (Lakers and Bulls) will see each other in the Finals."

Ever since Lebron decided to come to the Bulls back in July during that heartwarming tearful goodbye to the Cavaliers and their fans, he rushed to Chicago to begin a new chapter in the Lebron saga. "I just want to win. It's unfortunate that I couldn't do it in Cleveland, but with this Bulls team things are gonna be different. These guys have a lot of fire and passion for the game. DRose, Noah, Boozer, and Deng are a solid group of players and they love the game of basketball. I want to hoist a banner here. I'd like to be immortalized here, along with DRose. We can teach each other things, how to win, how to be united as a team, most of all we can show everyone in this league that the Chicago Bulls are a storied and legendary franchise like the Lakers and Celtics." Those were Lebrons words during his signing with the Bulls surrounded by family and friends. To quote Charles Barkley: "Lebron made the right move, he chose to play for a team that has high hopes and a lot of talent. It's still gonna be a lot of hard work, but Lebron is gonna make the Bulls better and the Bulls are above everything else gonna make Lebron better!"

The NBA's ratings are the highest they've been in years! Its all because we have a team that is committed to playing as one cohesive unit and showcasing two of the biggest stars in the game right now. Lebron was recently asked if he was nervous about playing against Cleveland next month "I'm nervous, I felt very humbled by the way the fans have wished me luck and given me their blessings to leave. I treated them with respect, I decided the day after we lost to the Celtics to explain to them why I had to leave. There was no theatrics, no big show... just my explanation, an apology and a promise that whatever happened in my future, it would have never been possible without the city of Cleveland and the state of Ohio."



Thanks for picking us Lebron... you sir are a class act. GO BULLS!!!

In that alternate reality the Bulls went 63-19 and beat the Lakers in 6 games. DRose made the winning basket on a floater and Lebron was Finals MVP.

In our reality the Bulls will have to work a little bit harder... but the gold isn't too far away.

The Dark Knight Rises

Yes sir, The Dark Knight Rises is officially the title to the third installment of Chris Nolan's Batman series. Here are the facts: No Riddler (Which I'm OK with because Batman has a ton of Rogues), It will not be filmed in 3D (Thank you Nolan!), and they're looking for a female lead (I'm hoping Catwoman but someone brought the idea up of Talia and the League of Shadows making a return.) So Nolan has definitely planted the "hype seed" and we're excited! (For all who don't know, when TDK was in production I was severely obsessed with the viral marketing and spent several late nights getting the "nerd itch". Cliff lived with me at the time and he can vouch for my trolling)



So what's everyone thinking? I hear the big rumor is Killer Croc. I seriously doubt it. I know they're filming in Louisiana but Croc's character never really hung out at the swamp and he was known for being in the sewers of Gotham more than the Louisiana bayou. The Joker to return? I won't put that idea down, I don't think Heath Ledger "owns" that character. Ledger's turn was incredible but I could see him being recast-ed and there's a line of A list Hollywood players waiting for their chance to take on that role. Before you object, Many of you were very angry at the fact that Ledger was taking the role that Nicholson set the bar for. (Jack wasn't that good. True story!) I always liked Ledger and Nolan hasn't let us down yet, If Joker ends up getting recast-ed it will make sense. Harvey Dent died in The Dark Knight. Everyone including Aaron Eckhart has said that Harvey Dent died, No one has said that Two-Face will not be in the next Batman movie. If you've read the books you'll know that Two-Face ALWAYS says that Harvey is dead. I believe that the actors and writers always intended to keep that part of the story intact, Harvey Dent died the moment he realized he was no longer Harvey Dent. (The part when he told the Joker that each side of the coin determined the Joker's fate) I also predict that the female lead will go to the Catwoman, It makes sense to have a character that is "on the fence", Its gives Batman a conflict that is mental and emotional as opposed to physical.



We can all be certain that the wild ride begins here! The Dark Knight Rises will now be on the tips of our tongues and on the look out for any info we can find. You can rest assured that I will do my very best to keep all of you in the loop and well informed. Run your questions my way and I want to hear your comments people! Don't forget to share my blog on Facebook and twitter! Also visit thenapalmassault.com and read our blogs!

Teen Moms are FUCKING STUPID!

We as a society have become enablers. We enable people to do stupid shit. There's a TV show on MTV that enables teen girls to embrace the worst decision they've ever made in life: become a parent at a young age. My name is Leo Perez and Teen Mom on MTV is a perfect example on how we've accepted teenage pregnancy as a form of entertainment.


I love using this exploding head picture.

I understand that having a baby is an extremely beautiful part of life and that most babies are a symbol of love between two people. However, If your kid doesn't fall under that category you are a shitty decision maker and your shitty decision will lead to my taxes paying for you and your stupid ass kid. I don't have kids, but I've been around enough people that have them to know that kids are a big fucking responsibility! When these damn teens have kids it makes me feel so bad for two people: 1) The Kid. The kid will grow up to be a felon and an asshole! 2) The Parents of stupid teen mom and teen dad. THEY HAVE TO RAISE THAT FUCKING KID!!! People at the age of 14-18 have no idea what it is to have that kind of responsibility! If you're an ex-teen mom or dad and feel like you did a pretty good job, please email me and if I know you well enough I'll tell you all the reasons on how I'm right!! If you can't handle certain truths then please just read this and hang your head low in defeat!


I've watched the 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom shows, they are super entertaining! Watching train wrecks is a ton of fun, plus if you want to feel better about your life watch the show! (This will not apply to teen moms or dads as your fucking life is in the toilet and watching this show should only serve as a constant reminder of your miserable life.) The only smart kids on that show is the ugly girl and skinny kid who gave up their child for adoption because the girl had a TERRIBLE FUCKING LIFE!! The ugly girl had a crackhead mom and skinny kid's dad was in and out of jail. Those kids are fucking heroes, we should give them a medal. The other parents just make terrible choices every episode, its pretty brutal to watch at times. The thing that really gets me on this is that every year we'll get a new season of teen mom because girls will purposely get pregnant to be on that show, does anyone get on MTV's ass about this? Someone should, because there are a ton of girls with daddy issues out there that need the attention of a million television watchers! Let me ask you this: Do you think the fat girl and the fatter dude make good parents? THEIR KID CAN'T EVEN FUCKING READ!!!


I just really can't handle the fact that we're becoming "OK" with teens becoming parents, The dads don't stick around at all (they're little boys who wiggle their little dick in a snatch and think they're men) and teen moms usually hand the kid off to their parents and end up looking for another guy that will end up treating kid #1 like a piece of shit. Then that becomes a cycle for that kid to fuck his/her life even worse than their parents did! Wear a god-damned condom, trust me its not as bad as it sounds. I'll tell you how it works: Your peepee gets hard, you open a package of Lifestyles that you picked up at Planned Parenthood, you struggle with it for a minute or so, you wriggle it in the vagina, ask her who her daddy is, then 57 seconds later you climax in it. Afterward you tell all your boys that you boned the fuck out of her and left the condom on top of the trash cans pile so her parents would see it. Ladies you tell your friends that you gave it up to him and that he's the only man you'll ever love. Then 3 months later when you find out he fingered your cousin at your 15th birthday party, you won't feel as bad about the breakup as you would if a kid were involved. DOES ANY OF THAT SEEM SO FUCKING HARD?



I'm not dumb, I know teens will have a ton of sex and experiment with dildos. We need to make teen pregnancy shameful again! If you are 16 and pregnant you should be embarrassed! Your life is shit and your dreams have gone down the toilet! Abortions are OK the first time around (Hey everyone makes mistakes right?)but for the love of god guys wear a condom! It's not like you know what the fuck you're doing anyway! You haven't experimented any moves or perfected the "pull out" action yet. Essentially you're using a half-assed cum-shot on making a baby instead of spilling it inside of a Durex. Babies should be made with thunderous climaxes not pre-cum wriggle dick. I'M OUUUUTTTTT!!!!

The elderly are ASSHOLES!!!!

Yes, you read the title correctly! The elderly are indeed assholes! I know what many of you will say: "Wait'll you get old!", "You're gonna be sorry when you're an old man!!" and "Hey! The elderly are adorable!" WRONG! First off, by the time I get "old" there will be a cure for being old. Second, I'm never going to be sorry for anything. Being sorry is for pussies. Lastly, if the elderly were adorable we'd buy them at pet stores, bring them home, dress them in cute outfits, and line their cages with newspaper. Old people are bitter, smelly, ugly, loud, obnoxious, pessimistic, rude, over-opinionated, and utterly helpless know-it-alls. Yet they always demand your attention, respect, and expect you to bend over backwards for every twisted command they bark at you.

You're automatically going to think of your sweet old grandma who cooks for you and babies the hell out of you when you visit her. Here's the twist: when your grandma goes to the store or a restaurant she treats people like shit and is an annoying old fuck rag. Your cute and sweet old grandpa tips servers like its still 1939 and still rides on a high horse because he helped win the "big war" for us. NEWSFLASH: No one won a war for me or my people because if they did Arizona wouldn't be fucking over thousands of latinos with their racist ass law! Wake up people! The elderly have you fooled into thinking they are harmless and should be treated with respect.


Look at them. They are always judging us!

I can't talk about my grandma because I'm sure one of my family members will get offended and tell her, I'm sure then if anything were to happen (god forbid) the bulk of the blame will fall on me. So instead I'll talk about my friend Stewart's grandma! (All my close personal friends know Stewart, he's a total legend among us! He used to be a stunt man but now he owns a destruction derby car and competes for major dollars!!) Stewart's grandma used to have an African American best friend but Stewart's grandma would repeatedly blame most of societies problems on black people. Stewart's grandma is also a minority so its a blatant case of race on race hate with a little bit of double standard and a dash of FUCKING SENILE!!! Old people cannot be trusted with your secrets because they'll tell everyone what you're up to, They will pit you against other loved ones because they get off on making everyone miserable, and you will never know as much as they do because they've been around longer than you have so therefore they're smarter! I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT ONE FOLKS! If old people were so fucking smart they wouldn't be a constant victim of scams and get rich quick schemes! If they were smart they wouldn't look confused every time they went to the grocery store and stared at the credit card machine making lines longer and slowing down everything at the register! YOU SLIDE YOUR CARD AND YOU SIGN YOUR FUCKING NAME! Here's the kicker, If they can't figure out a simple credit card transaction HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE DRIVING!!!


FUCK YOU LADY!!!

You see these old bastards barely able to comprehend anything, then you see their frail bodies, add in their TERRIBLE reflexes. What do you get? A RECIPE FOR DISASTER!!! I'm not a scientist but I know a dude who thinks he is, He says that 75% of traffic accidents are caused by old ass bastard elderly people! The other 25% is women but I call bullshit on that cause I'd blame Asians for at least 19%. They don't know what the hell is going on most of the time, HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE ALLOWED TO DRIVE???

I was at a store today and an old man took time out of his shopping to complain to an employee that the music was too loud, and that the choice of music was horrible. The employee gave in to his demands and the old man then proceeded to go pay at the register. HE WAS ALREADY LEAVING!!!! HE WAS ALREADY LEAVING, BUT HE DECIDED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMETHING HE DIDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANYMORE ANYWAY!!!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Like for real dude? That's what made him happy? That small pathetic victory made that old cunt feel like a big man? This train of thought doesn't make sense to me! Why do old people feel a sense of entitlement when it comes to shit like this? WHY?!!!


I've always wanted to post a picture of a head exploding.

BTW, after taking a couple of months off I'm back. I'm going to commit to a blog a week and you're gonna see a big change to thenapalmassault.com in the next few weeks! Thanks for reading!

Tales from Wizard World 2010: It's BLAGO!!!!!!!

Why was Rod Blagojevich at Wizard World? How did the fans react? Did anyone try to stink palm him??? Many questions were asked on Day 2 of the Chicago Comic Con aka Wizard World, the biggest question that was on everyone's mind was: Who asked this jerk to come? Wizard World did. Well at least that's what Blago said, apparently Wizard World had invited him because of his "Pop culture status". Oh yeah Blago and I had a nice little chat... and I do mean little.

Saturday at WW was a madhouse! I'd never seen Wizard World this busy! The day before I'd received a tweet from @WizardWorld about Blago showing up and the place was buzzing. At first I laughed and I thought it was pretty funny that Blago was showing up and that he'd hang out with all us nerds. Then I found out that he was charging $50 an autograph and $80 for a photo op. I was quickly disgusted by the fact that a criminal (he was charged with one count out of 24 technically he's a criminal) was going to charge people for his grimy services! I arrived at WW at about 9:40 am, as I waited for my nephew and his friend to get through the line, I saw the media circus set up shop around Blago's autograph table (which was separate from the rest of the celebrities). I hung around and spoke with a couple of camera crews then went off with my nephew and his pal. About an hour later they announced over the PA that he had arrived the announcement was met with boos and yells. I yelled at my nephew "follow me, we're doing this shit!!" since it was technically my third day at WW I knew the shortcut to Blago's spot. We hurried past costumed freaks and fat dudes eating cheese curds, we get to Blago's media circus to find that people are starting to line up and its getting busy!

I muscled my way through the crowd with my nephew and pal, I slithered past security and stood right next to Blago's table. While I was standing there I was blinded by the flashing cameras and lights. It was like people couldn't get enough pictures with Rod and the man seemed to love every minute of it! All of a sudden a guy starts yelling at Blago "Rod, Why didn't you stop Obama when you had the chance?" Blago looked at him with a puzzled look on his face and responded "I wanted Obama to be president!" (well duh! How could he sell his senate seat if Obama was still sitting in it?) The guy yelled back "You're a LIAR!!!" I looked at the guy and said "Shut the fuck up!" I looked over to Blago's henchmen (or security guard... whatever) and said "Don't worry about that guy, I'm sure that dude is still a virgin." (its true the guy looked like Seth Rogen dressed him) Blago's henchman laughed and asked me why I was standing around, I showed him my press bracelet and asked if I could holler at Blago. (I said "holler" because henchman was black and I figured he'd feel more at home if I spoke to him in "hood") Henchman told me he's get Blago for me if I waited a minute or so. A armed Rosemont police officer was standing next to me, I turned to him and said "So you get to protect Blago huh?" the cop looked at me completely bored and responded with a "yeah... lucky me."

I was told to not record my quick interview, I guess "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" right? Anyway, I shook Blago's hand and he made almost no eye contact with me. Instead he looked over the crowd and swelled with pride. I asked Blago "Why Wizard World Rod? Why are you here?" Blago responded with how he had become a permanent fixture in pop culture and it only made sense that he showed up, especially with his "main demographic" being here. Apparently Blago thinks nerds love him. I asked who had invited him and he quickly responded with how WW's PR department gave his boys a call and he decided it was the "right thing to do". Blago has this aura about him, he comes off as a really charming guy. It was almost like you could be sucked into a conversation with him about nothing and you'd be totally happy about it. I then asked him what he had planned next for him, Blago assured me that he was ready to take on the prosecution's retrial and wanted to rebuild his family and move forward with other media ventures. I told him he should have a talk show like Jerry Springer or Maury, He smiled and agreed I swear I could see the cogs turning in his head as he looked into the heavens. I brought up Sam Adams Jr's quote from the press conference about how a retrial would cost Illinois more money, Blago agreed and said that we didn't need more dead babies out in the street, I totally giggled and thought of walking down Michigan ave. playing kick the can with an infants skull. I wished Blago luck because he seemed to be preoccupied with his new line forming full of autograph seekers and well wishers. I asked him for a pic he obliged and insisted that we shake hands in the picture. As I walked away I looked back and I saw a man who believed he truly was larger than life, my nephew then asked me who that guy was... I responded "The guy in the news who's in a shit load of trouble." What a weird dude.

Tales from Wizard World 2010: Angus Oblong

That's right ladies and gentlemen that is the creator of The Oblongs and all around bad boy Angus Oblong, his manservant Sparkle, and myself at the Wizard World's Chicago Comic Con! The 4 day nerdfest wasn't very memorable for a lot of hardcore fans. But Cliff, Bruni, and most of all me will remember it as a time that we hung out with Angus Oblong.. a lot! On Thursday I got to WW at about 4:40 pm and doors opened at 5pm, Cliff and Bruni were heading there after work so when 5:00pm rolled by I headed inside. The year before I remember being pretty damn upset that Angus had skipped WW so I was hoping to see him, low and behold Angus was setting up shop with his handsome manservant Sparkle. I walked over to get the scoop as to why he didn't show the year before. "Hey! I know you!!!" yelled Angus Oblong, I was taken aback. Not only does this man meet thousands of people a year and it had been a couple since he'd seen me but he lives in L.A. where he probably sees more Mexicans that he'd probably like to. I told him that we'd seen him every year and always hung around and spent some cash at his table I even had a couple of pictures taken with him. I introduced myself and told him that my friend Rich would be super excited to hear that Angus would be there, "Well get his fat ass over here!" he exclaimed (Rich is about 115 lbs. soaking wet). I walked away and quickly texted Cliff "ANGUS OBLONG REMEMBERED MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" I was extremely flattered and my nerd hard on was raging! I forgot to mention that Angus accused me of "Coming on to him" which I replied "Hey, Its Thursday. Its FUCKING College Night!!! Anything goes BRO!!!" He got a kick out of that. I'm a damn funny guy! When Cliff got there I quickly led him to Angus' table, When we got there Angus yells "Hey BLACK!!!" (Cliff is definitely Black aka African American) Angus had us laughing our asses off while he lightheartedly belittled his manservant Sparkle. I noticed he had a Dr. Rockso figure at his table, I inquired abut it and told him it was cool. "Give me 5 bucks for it man, some fan gave it to me and I don't want it!" I called his bluff and paid him, He then signed the doll and I told him I'd carry it around in hopes that the guy who gave it to him would see me with it and feel like an asshole. I don't know if the guy ever saw me or noticed but that was the end of Day 1.


Throughout the weekend we'd pass by and hang out, Angus asked me my name a dozen times and kept forgetting so eventually he decided it would be best if he wrote it on his hand. So we fist bumped, took pics, made fun of dorky looking dudes, made horrible remarks about women and children, and I'm pretty sure we built a lot of bad karma for us. But it was worth it! Sparkle and I talked a lot he's one of the coolest guys I've met at comic cons and we had some great quick conversations. We traded facebook info and we're probably gonna end up having a bromance! Eventually Sunday came around and I really wanted to get an interview with Angus, When I asked him he was a bit nervous. Angus asked me to wait to interview until he'd had his coffee, I came back about 20 minutes later. Angus buzzed me off again and I came back 30 minutes later, he wanted to check my questions out so I let him check them out and reassured him that it would be just as if he was talking to me. After buzzing me off again I returned 15 minutes later so that he'd get "mentally prepared" for the interview. We sat down and had a great time with it! Afterward I thanked him and spent a measly 6 dollars at his table (I'm cheap OK??!!) We wished each other luck... well maybe I wished him luck and he probably yelled an obscenity at me (He's a very funny and playful guy).
Interviewing Angus Oblong has been one of the best moments so far in my short journalism career. I couldn't have asked for a better sport and to hang out with a guy who truly loves being around his fans. A lot of guys in the industry will blow you off or act very condescending towards you, but Angus treated myself, the crew, and all his fans like friends. So if you ever get to meet Angus and you buy one of his awesome books and he draws a character on the "This book belongs to.." page, It's not just a drawing its a gesture of friendship. Thank you Angus for making a lackluster Wizard World one that The Napalm Assault will never forget. Fag.

Email me @ leoperez@thenapalmassault.com for the audio of this interview, I'll be fixing the link to hear the interview soon. Thanks, sorry about that!

I'm sure this blog is kind of a miracle... right?

In case you haven't seen the latest and most talked about Insane Clown Posse video ever, I've posted it above. The video came out a few months ago and its been made fun of, SNL has made a parody, and been the hot topic with Juggalos (die hard ICP fans) everywhere! The name of the song is "Miracles" and it talks about how everyday occurrences and scientific facts are indeed "Miracles" to the Insane Clown Posse. Any one with a half a brain can tell you that your child looks like you because of genetics, ICP on the other hand calls it a "miracle". Personally I watch the video to get some good chuckles and be flat out flabbergasted by the line "Fucking magnets, How do they WORK???!!" Which has now turned into a huge internet meme.



I've tried to sit down and understand the video. I have picked at it from all angles and I've tried to "get" the song so that I can see where the "miracles" are. I have a LOT of time on my hands and nope, NO DICE! I think its safe to say that if you completely understand this video and agree with the lyric "I don't want to talk to a scientist, Ya'll motherfuckers lying and getting me pissed!" You're fucking crazy! Not funny crazy either, I'm talking about you need your family to sit you down and figure out what's the best way to get you professional help crazy. Why would a scientist LIE???!!! That boggles my mind, What scientist would say "OK, magnets work by magic spells put on them by sugar plum fairies!" The only kind of scientist that would say that is clearly one that wants to be discredited and lose all respect in the scientific community! I don't like people who call scientists liars, you might as well be a pedophile! YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!



"I've seen shit that'll shock your eyelids
The sun and the moon, and even Mars
The Milky Way and fucking shooting stars
UFOs, a river flows
Plant a little seed and nature grows"

YOU SON OF A BITCH! I've seen all those things, even the UFO I thought I saw once was actually a weather balloon but it wasn't a miracle! The sun is made up of gases not miracles, you uneducated bastard! Did the ICP miss the ENTIRE Fourth grade? I swear we learned all about this stuff during science hour! Did you guys ever plant seeds in Styrofoam cups? Mine never grew! Not because I don't believe in miracles, they didn't grow because I thought Coca-Cola would be essential to its growing process! My theory was wrong, but at least I didn't attribute my failure to miracles fucking me in the ass!

"Crows, ghosts, the midnight coast
The wonders of the world, mysteries the most"

Really? You had to throw GHOSTS in there? No one believes me about my ghosts experiences, who's gonna believe a couple of assholes who throw scientists under the bus and call them out as liars! Watch the video, but don't read too much into it. Unless you want to end up like this:


"I said...hop on!"

Arizona can suck my balls!

My whole opinion on Illegal Immigration is a bit fuzzy to say the least. I've always felt that people shouldn't break the law to live a better life. That really isn't the case anymore, I've changed my mind. Illegal Immigration is something that happens because there isn't a better way to make a better life for yourself other than to break the law. You have to admit we as American citizens have it pretty easy here, we have cell phones, cable TV, video games, and a bunch of stuff we don't need to make life a lot easier. We don't have to worry about having to feed our children as much as people in different countries have to, we get a lot of help here from various organizations. Aside from that we can choose to take almost any job we want because we have opportunity thrown at us since grade school all we have to do is reach out and take it. Illegal Immigrants don't have that, they have to fight for any scrap they can get just to have a slightly better day. What's my point? My point is that on top of all that Arizona passes a stupid law to make life more difficult for these hardworking people.

Sure they may be breaking the law and some might say they are a problem. But the truth is, Illegal Immigration wouldn't be such a big problem if people born here didn't feel like they were too good to work "shitty" jobs. What jobs do most Immigrants have? Line cooks, dishwashers, landscapers, fruit harvesters, farm work, ditch diggers, any hard physical labor. Work that most privileged people look down on because "book smarts" aren't necessary. But these people will work circles around you and ten of your friends! This law makes it so police can stop anyone that "looks illegal" and have them prove their legality. Sounds like something straight out of Nazi Germany! That's NOT what America is about, and this has me very ashamed to be an American. This law has opened my eyes to the injustice and hate that lives in this country and I will not let this happen. I support the boycott of Arizona based companies like Petsmart, Cold Stone Creamery, Discount Tires, U-Haul, etc. People will say "If you boycott them the local economy suffers too!", My answer is: TOO FUCKING BAD! You know how many people there are out there who suffer from not having enough money and working 3 jobs just to barely make ends meet for a family of 6? Some of you will NEVER know what that is like, but many of you know someone who is an illegal and in a shitty situation. I've heard things from American born citizens who say "Hey! We had it pretty rough growing up! Both my parents had to work and raise us on hand-me-downs!" If you are from here and you have to struggle to live and you aren't trying to better your situation: YOU OR YOUR PARENTS MADE SHITTY LIFE CHOICES AND DID NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE OPPORTUNITIES THIS COUNTRY OFFERS! If illegal aliens swoop in and take your jobs then you aren't working hard enough!



This country was built on the backs of immigrants, the state of Arizona has forgotten that. I bet you the Lawmakers there have a horde of illegals working their lawns and caring for their children. We who are the children or grandchildren of immigrants need to rise up and help. It took years of working with honest hard-working guys in the kitchen at Bakers Square to teach me that these people work hard. I feel embarrassed that I used to think differently and was for laws that hunted down illegals. But this law woke me up. We need to step up and back up this boycott! We need to let this country know that we are the sleeping giant, We need to keep Obama in the White House because he's the son of a immigrant too! We need to show the world that: Si se puede.

This Oil Spill is MONEY!

So everyone is really up in arms about this oil spill that happened in the Gulf of Mexico, apparently its a huge environmental disaster that we're going to feel for years to come. Dolphins are dying, pelicans are blowing up, and fish are going straight up silly in the ocean. There's a really good chance that the Gulf will never get completely cleaned up and the ecosystem is forever ruined. Great news everyone: It's not that bad!


First off, Only the stupid animals get oil on themselves. That is a true statement! Hahahaha! Look at that picture of that stupid bird! What an asshole! I bet he was all like "Hey, I wonder what all this black stuff I'm swimming in is? AWWW man! It's OIL! Really?! Who did this? Phil? Was it fucking you Phil? You're a jerk, dude! Who puts oil in the ocean? I'm such an asshole! If I was flying and not dicking around in the ocean this would never have happened! PHIL!" There's a really good chance that oceanic birds have names like Phil and whatever the above bird's name is. Many of you will say "Leo! Dolphins are super smart! Why are they affected?" FACT: "Dolphins are not smart, if they were they would not live in the BORING ocean." -Dr. Mortimer Smartzenstein. Dolphins get stuck in Tuna nets all the time, I have never been caught in a net. EVER. So therefore I'm smarter than a dolphin and if I'm smarter than a dolphin they are pretty fucking dumb.

Secondly, We can't drink salt water. Trust me I've tried many times but it can't be done. What's my point? The oil spilled in water right? We drink water right? The water the oil spilled in was salt water right? We can't drink salt water right? THE OIL SPILL HAPPENED ON SHIT WE DON'T FUCKING NEED ANYWAY!!!!!!!!! Is everyone living in crazy town?! Why does everyone care?! Not only that but the most contaminated areas are islands protected to preserve wildlife. So they're animals we cant hunt to make food from! Worthless! All of those animals are worthless, the water is undrinkable, and islands aren't even man enough to be continents! Suck my dick planet Earth!


Lets wrap this shit up! It all seems clear to me that all of you tree hugging hippies and eco friendly hipsters don't want the inevitable Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland from Mad Max to happen. You people don't want this happening because you're a bunch of pussies! Lord knows you can't put up a fight wearing nerd glasses and fedoras, you wouldn't last two seconds in the fucking THUNDERDOME! Your "going green society" has turned you into the punk ass marks that would be the first to fall under the iron hand of Lord Humungus and his futuristic biker gang. I'm a firm believer that the oil spill is the first in a set of cataclysmic events that will bring forth the environmental apocalypse, and I'm getting ready for the world of tomorrow. While my gang is pillaging your hipster havens for its resources and my hard hand is choking your scrawny neck while you're coughing up blood onto your skinny jeans, you'll think "Damn he was right... That oil spill WAS money!"
BOOM!

Iron Man 2.... Love it or leave 'Merica!

Many of us called the first Iron Man: The best documentary EVER made. Iron Man 2 is the other best documentary ever filmed in REAL TIME! This movie is incredible! If you're a Marvel buff (like me) this movie is the closest we'll ever get to watching our children be born (don't kid yourselves we're fucking nerds, we don't get sex... without paying). Iron Man 2 is what we want all of our comic book movies to be, and Marvel Studios is delivering! Marvel Studios is keeping true to the characters and story lines of all its product while entertaining the movie crowd and keeping nerds happy!

Watching this movie gets me all hot and bothered with anticipation for the Thor, Captain America and Avengers movies. They have done such a fantastic job bringing Tony Stark to the big screen, Robert Downey Jr. plays him so well and he should really just start living like a Billionaire superhero playboy because however he lives his life in the real world is a fucking lie! I also like how they don't have Iron Man fighting petty street thugs because he isn't Batman, Iron Man battles big time super-villains and bangs chicks during breaks from kicking ass. I've read reviews where people state that there was too much talking in this film and not enough action till the end. Here's a newsflash: Iron Man has always been about Tony Stark, actually ALL Marvel comics have emphasized on the humanity of the characters more than the "super alter ego". That's why we learn more about Peter Parker and his troubles than we do about Spider-Man, or Bruce Banners dilemma with being a monster than we focus on the Hulk. I was more than happy with 2 and a half action sequences in a blockbuster super hero movie. We need to see Tony Stark dealing with his larger than life persona and witness his flawed character. More than anything we need to understand that Iron Man is perfect while Tony Stark is a complete screw up!

Mickey Rourke is great in this movie! Aside from his grandpa titties and dirtball looking face, Mickey Rourke was a hell of a Whiplash. Mickey Rourke OWNS his characters and did his complete best to become Whiplash. Can anyone not like Sam Rockwell? Sam Rockwell can play a complete douche better than anyone, He's like a better acting, uglier, more talented, smarter, but more of a failure Johnny from the Karate Kid. I UNDERSTAND THAT THAT DESCRIBES SOMEONE OTHER THAN JOHNNY FROM THE KARATE KID BUT SAM ROCKWELL IS AWESOME! The introduction of these two characters was exceptional and for the first time multiple villains has actually worked in a comic book movie! (Two-Face from the Dark Knight? Yeah... His five minutes as a minor annoyance was real super-villain worthy.
The last scene with Iron Man and War Machine fighting robot drones was ridiculous! I felt like we needed to see Iron Man just wrecking shit up, beating up on unmanned robo drones and making unnecessary decisions like fighting near civilian areas is awesome! Action scenes like this are truly a fanboys wet dream and they really stay true to the comics with Iron Man using the Unibeam, Repulsor blasts, and cool moves he can only do once because seeing it two many times kills the effect of seeing the move in the first place!

Iron Man 2 is doing such a great job at leading up to the Avengers, I really need to see that movie NOW! Especially if its full of Skrulls and a fight scene with the Hulk I might need an oxygen tank and a clean pair of pants at the theatre because I might have an actual SHIT ATTACK! Stop reading this and go see the damn movie! STAY AFTER THE CREDITS!!!!

C2E2 Avatar Press panel by John Bruni

I've got Bruni here again with some awesome news and a great article on the Avatar Press panel from C2E2. Sorry its late guys... I HAVE A JOB!

The Avatar Press Panel
By John Bruni

As one who has worked as a journalist and reviewer in the past, I hate to break the fourth wall. It’s downright unprofessional. It even bothers me when Shakespeare threw asides into his plays. But for the Avatar panel, I have to do it. I have no choice. You’ll see why.

Cliff and I went to the Avatar panel, and when I saw there were only a handful of attendees, I shook my head. Some of the best work in the industry could be found with Avatar’s logo on it, and this was the biggest crowd they could get?

Brian Pulido took to the lectern while the rest of the panel took seats at the table: Mike Wolfer, Jacen Burrows, William Christensen, and Christos Gage. Gage was the last to arrive because he said he’d gotten lost, that he’d tried every panel room, and this was the last one. (That’s another problem with McCormick Place: it’s really hard to navigate.)

From the very introduction, it was clear that this was not to be an ordinary panel. The ball-busting began very soon in the presentation, and it did not let up a bit. Off-color remarks were hurled about, including cursing, which one simply does not find at, say, a Marvel panel. I think Karen Berger said “shit” twice at the Vertigo panel, but that’s nothing compared to how the air turned blue around the Avatar guys. At one point, they declared that their evening event with George R.R. Martin and Max Brooks would feature the ritual sacrifice of William Christensen, but the joke stopped when they realized that they should never sacrifice the money.

But in between the gloriously inappropriate humor, actual information was mentioned to the crowd. The biggest news Avatar had to offer was their new imprint, Boundless Comics, of which LADY DEATH was going to be the flagship title. In the year 1351, Lady Death has fallen from grace. Her powers are gone, and so is her memory of them. She makes her living as an assassin and thief in the Dark Ages. Then, she encounters a rebel demon who tries to convince her that she used to be something more than what she is. Pulido promises that the new storyline will not fuck with the old Lady Death, and fans will not be disappointed.

The next biggest news is the return of CROSSED, and I’m not just talking about the comics series. There is also a movie in the works with the screenplay written by Garth Ennis. It is to be a live-action movie, and many on the panel tried to speculate as to how much of Ennis’ grotesque story will make it onto the big screen. They wondered about one thing in particular: the horse cock. (Readers will know what I’m talking about.) Will there be “live action horse cock?” In addition, there will be a second series of CROSSED, launched by Ennis and Burrows before it is handed off to a new creative team. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is disappointed to hear that the reins will be passed on, but I have faith in Avatar. They’ve never let me down before.

Burrows talked about his new project with Alan Moore, NEONOMICON, which is the sequel to THE COURTYARD, both of which you can read more about in my interview with Burrows. He also quoted Moore at the panel: “[This is] HPL as done by HBO.”

The final project they discussed was Gage’s upcoming sequel to ABSOLUTION, which is titled ABSOLUTION: RUBICON, in which the protagonist, who had turned to a life of killing villains who couldn’t be touched by the law, is on the run from his superhero/cop friends as he continues his new calling in life.

And then the show was turned over to Q&A. Every single person in this very small crowd had a question, which goes to show the dedication of the Avatar fan. Then, I put my hand up, and Pulido told me to state my name and who I work for.

I’ve known him for many years now. In fact, my job as a reviewer of comic books kind of began because of him. Back when I was just a mere fan, I was big into his EVIL ERNIE books, but there was a period of time when they were starting to disappoint me. Rather than gripe and moan about the horrible state of comics, like most do (and this was a time before the internet was prominent in armchair critics lives), I wrote an eight-page letter to Chaos!, in which I critiqued EE, not just pointing out where they were going wrong, but also showing where they’ve done really well.

Part of the letter was published in an issue of EE, and I was named Fiend of the Month. Pulido actually called me up to discuss a few of the points I’d made, and during that phone call, he invited me out to Wizard World Chicago to meet him. It wound up being my first convention. (Not long after this conversation, I went on to start reviewing comic books for the Elmhurst College LEADER, and my first review was of EE.)

So, I’ve seen him every year from that moment on, and I’m sure he was surprised to see me show up in a suit to C2E2 this year. I explained that I was a working member of the press for this convention. As I was the only one working for the press in the room (Cliff had yet to read his first Avatar book at that point), I was singled out for this bit of ball-busting.

I had interviewed almost everyone at the panel, and they remembered me, so they broke out laughing. Then, the panelist who was wondering about the CROSSED movie suddenly laughed and said, “Don’t quote me on the horse cock thing!”

It was my greatest moment as a journalist.

Anyway, my question was regarding Boundless Comics. I wanted to know if they were planning on having BELLADONNA, GYPSY, and WAR ANGEL as titles for their new imprint. Christiansen and Pulido exchanged glances, and the former said, “We haven’t discussed that yet.” They said that it was a possibility, and Pulido asked me, “Is that something you’d like to see?”

Considering how open he is to his audience (since after my eight-page letter, EE went on to some of his awesomest, mind-blowingest adventures), I answered with a resounding yes. “Especially WAR ANGEL,” I said.

Pulido then mentioned that he’d heard that WAR ANGEL was actually 50-Cent’s favorite comic book. A bit of weird trivia. Who knows? It might come in handy someday.

So, there are a lot of excellent things coming from Avatar and Boundless soon. If you’re not on board yet, you need to buy your ticket. You’ll get a kick out of the ride.

John Bruni interviews at C2E2!

While I continue to expand this blog and eventually create our website, I'll invite some of my pals (whose writing skills are a lot better than mine!) to contribute a bit. Here's my friend and published author John Bruni! WARNING: He's a sick bastard.

Interview with Bill Willingham
By John Bruni

Bill Willingham was born in Ft. Belvoir, VA. He got his start working for TSR, illustrating for their D&D role-playing games. He came to prominence in the ‘Eighties for his series, ELEMENTALS. He has since worked on PANTHEON, IRONWOOD, and PROPOSITION PLAYER, and he is now helming FABLES and JACK OF FABLES for Vertigo and ANGEL for IDW.

JB: So far, we’ve had FABLES and JACK OF FABLES. Will there be any more FABLES spin-offs?

BW: We have the CINDERELLA mini-series [FROM FABLETOWN WITH LOVE], and it’s done pretty well. Chris Roberson, the writer, has an idea for a second case. It hasn’t been guaranteed yet, but we might be doing the next Cinderella caper. FABLES will continue, of course. I hope we’ll continue forever.

JB: Do you have any other projects coming up soon?

BW: Next for me is, of course, a lot more FABLES. 301 issues of FABLES would be a good goal to go for. Then again, Hal Foster did 33 years of Prince Valiant, and we’ve only done 9 years of FABLES, so we have another 20 years or so of FABLES to go. We’re always going to do a FABLES special project. We have CINDERELLA coming out. The next big thing is going to be issue 100 of FABLES, a 100-page spectacular with a FABLES board game inside, and a paper puppet theater that Mark Buckingham is doing with FABLES cut-outs and stages. And we’re doing a switcheroo for one of the back-up stories where Mark is writing the story that I’m illustrating for him. And the next big FABLES project is going to be “Werewolves of the Heartland” in which Bigby finds, of course, werewolves in the heartland and what happens as a result. I wish I could show you the cover. It is so cool. It’s Bigby holding a hot blonde in his arms as he’s fighting off an entire pack of werewolves.

JB: What is your favorite Fable?

BW: I’ll give you the silly sounding, but accurate, answer, which is, I kind of like whichever one I’m working on right now. We have the Rose Red arc going, so I’m really into Rose Red at the moment. During “The Good Prince” it was all Flycatcher. But all time favorite? I don’t know. I’d have to go with Bigby and Snow White, because they’re really the core relationship of the book. My all time favorite before I started writing FABLES was always the Pied Piper. I loved the villains.

Interview with Brian Azzarello

Brian Azzarello was born in Cleveland, OH, and now lives in Chicago. He has had stories appear in comic books like WEIRD WAR TALES, GANGLAND, FLINCH, and WINTER’S EDGE. While he has worked on high profile books like BATMAN, SUPERMAN, SGT. ROCK, and HELLBLAZER, he is best known as the writer of 100 BULLETS, among other crime books, such as JONNY DOUBLE and FILTHY RICH. Other projects of note include LOVELESS, EL DIABLO, and his new project for DC, FIRST WAVE, featuring Batman, Doc Savage, the Spirit, and a few other old DC pulp characters.

JB: You’ve been writing some of the best crime comics I’d say in the history of comics. Ed Brubaker’s close, but—

BA: But he’s not better. Make sure he hears that. I’m just busting his balls.

JB: What’s coming up next for you?

BA: FIRST WAVE, which I’m doing with Rags Morales, bringing back some of the pulp characters.

JB: Doc Savage, the Spirit, and Batman with a gun.

BA: Batman with two guns.

JB: Thank you very much for the brief interview.

BA: That was brief! Jesus!

Leo Perez: Like he is in bed. I mean, I wouldn’t know.

JB: This is my boss, by the way.


Interview with Brian Pulido

Brian Pulido is best known as the president and publisher of Chaos! Comics, and the creator of horror/fantasy characters like Evil Ernie, Lady Death, and Purgatori. He has also written comics based on horror franchises such as NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, FRIDAY THE 13TH, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, and CHILD’S PLAY. He is also a filmmaker, having written the animated feature, LADY DEATH, as well as writing and directing KILLER GNOME and THE GRAVES (the latter featuring Tony Todd and Bill Mosley). For Avatar, he has developed such characters as Belladonna, Gypsy, War Angel, and his own Lady Death. Lady Death will soon be resurrected for Boundless Comics.

JB: Is there any possibility that you might get Evil Ernie back and do another series?

BP: I really don’t know. All the characters except Lady Death are owned by another group, and I don’t know what their intentions are. Is that something you’d like to see?

JB: I would love to see you helm another Evil Ernie project.

BP: Thank you very much.

JB: Music plays a big role in your work. Do you have any influences in particular?

BP: I veer towards all kinds of rock and roll. If it’s blues-based, I enjoy it. These days, in the hard rock realm, I really enjoy Lamb of God. In fact, Randy Blythe from Lamb of God is in my movie, THE GRAVES. I enjoy a lot of local Phoenix rock and roll. Bands like Calabrese, bands from Tucson like the Mission Creeps, so I love all forms of rock. I’m a classic thrash metaller, so I like Overkill, Anthrax, Megadeth, Metallica, Slayer. I particularly enjoyed Slayer’s latest, WORLD PAINTED BLOOD.

JB: You used to do characters like War Angel, Gypsy, and Belladonna for Avatar. What happened to those projects?

BP: They came and did their run. I don’t know if they were top-sellers, but I had a lot of fun doing them. You never know. Something as crazy as WAR ANGEL could fit very nicely with Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. I don’t know what will happen in the future. The great thing about comics is, they never seem to die.

JB: What’s next for you?

BP: Next up in the world of comics is that LADY DEATH is going to be a monthly series written with Mike Wolfer. It begins in winter 2010. In the world of film, my movie THE GRAVES is now out on DVD from Lions Gate, and it will be on SyFy this summer or fall. Then I begin the next movie I’m writing and directing this summer.


Interview with Jacen Burrows

Jacen Burrows was born in San Diego and now lives in Urbana, IL. He has worked with Caliber Press and London Night, and he now makes his home at Avatar, where he has worked on DARK BLUE, SCARS, 303, CROSSED, and THE CHRONICLES OF WORMWOOD.

Bruni: You’ve worked with great writers like Warren Ellis and Garth Ennis. How do you think this has affected your work?

Burrows: When I first started working with that level of writer was with Warren Ellis, and at the time my skill level was kind of low and I was still trying to figure a lot of stuff out. Having to work with a writer at that level really makes you want to up your game and live up to the quality you know is in the writing. It helps you push yourself. You realize there is going to be a certain expectation on the buyers’ part of quality based on the previous work of the writer. You don’t want to be the crappy artist that he worked with. I want to improve with every single page and every single project. I think working with these people really pushed me faster. They’re so good at telling stories. The paneling descriptions, the flow between panels, made me aware of certain nuances, and how to be a little more cinematic with my work.

Bruni: What are your influences?

Burrows: They’re all over the place. I’m a graduate of the Savannah College of Art and Design. I did sequential art and illustration, and they have a major focus on art history. I’ve studied everything, essentially. Fine art, Renaissance painting all the way up to modern art. All of it plays in. You learn basics about composition and even abstract painters, which isn’t something that normally affects sequential artists. You take it all in in subtle ways. You’re constantly evolving. These days, the main thing I’m focusing on is trying to increase my composition skills, so I’m looking at a lot of classic illustrators like Maxfield Parrish, N.C. Wyeth, people like that, as well as the constant influx of new comics artists who bring something new to the table. You can’t stop looking for influences. Every source, cinematic, too. I study a lot of films and a lot of great directors. It never ends. I’m constantly evolving through external sources.

Bruni: What’s next for you?

Burrows: The next project I’m doing is called NEONOMICON with Alan Moore. It’s the direct sequel to THE COURTYARD, which I did with him five, six years ago. It’s an original story, not an adaptation. It’s Alan Moore’s deconstruction of H.P. Lovecraft’s work, taking the work and placing it into the modern world and applying a contemporary realism to it. It’s intensely sick and twisted and very psychological. It gets surreal in spots. It’s a crazy project. I’m excited to see how it turns out.

Interview with Mike Wolfer

Mike Wolfer entered the comics field in 1987 with DAIKAZU, a title published by his own company, Ground Zero Comics. He is best known for his WIDOW series, and he has worked for Chaos!, London Night, and Dark Horse. His current home is Avatar, where he has worked on STRANGE KISS and all of its sequels (including the monthly, GRAVEL), WOLFSKIN, and STREETS OF GLORY.

JB: You’ve worked with some great writers, like Garth Ennis, Warren Ellis, and now Brian Pulido. How has this affected your work?

MW: It’s given me a lot of opportunities I haven’t had before. Obviously, if you work with someone the caliber of Warren Ellis and Garth Ennis and Brian Pulido, they push you to take what you’ve got and go to the next level. Not that I wasn’t trying before, but it’s a little bit different. You’ve got to step up your game. It’s been great, and Avatar has given me one opportunity after another. I couldn’t ask for more.

JB: Do they allow for a lot of artistic freedom? Or are the writers strict?

MW: It depends on the project. When I work with Garth, he has an exact idea of what he wants. He provides all the details. When I work with Warren, on the other hand, he leaves it a little more up to me. I wrote with him after a while, and when you’re writing it, as well as drawing it, it’s totally different. Some things are very vague, but some things are very exact. I work from Warren’s plots, then I actually script them, so in that situation, I’m writing for myself.

JB: What are your influences as an artist?

MW: A lot of people ask me that. What artists do I like? What do I read? Probably nothing in the last thirty years really influenced me. My influences are older. The artists that Warren Publishing had back in the ‘Seventies. The stuff I read when I was growing up. To me, those guys were the classics. Typical comics guys like Jack Kirby and John Byrne and all those guys, I don’t really see them as being influences as much as the guys at Warren. That solid black and white look, the gray tones, the washes, that’s what really captured my imagination.

JB: What’s next for you?

MW: There’s a lot, most of which I can’t discuss. There will be more GRAVEL. Then there’s WOLFSKIN #3, a six-issue miniseries, of which issue one just came out. The big announcement at this show is that Avatar is launching a sister company called Boundless Comics, and the flagship title is going to be LADY DEATH, which I wrote with Brian Pulido.


Short and sweet interviews and even a bit of myself making a compete fool of myself in front of Brian Azzarello. If any of you are in the need to stray away from the DC or Marvel way of comics I highly recommend picking up an Avatar Press book and I also think that Azzarello should never NOT have a full line of people wanting his signature on a book because the man is a genius! More from Bruni to come! P.S. Sorr Bruni my camera didn't save the picture of you and Pulido... BUT we've got Wizard World Chicago my friend!

Adventures at C2E2!

The first annual C2E2 hit Chicago up last weekend at the McCormick Place, It was brought to you by the same group that heads the San Diego Comic-con! So you must think it was the illest comic book and entertainment expo this city has ever seen right? Wrong. It was Wizard World lite to say the least, I'm not saying it sucked because it didn't. If you've never been to a convention and C2E2 would be your first then it would have been a hell of a time! If you have books that you wanted signed by your favorite artists and writers at the event, It was a total piece of cake because the lines were very small. For me this was the first time I'd ever gone to any of the panels at a comic book convention (I'm usually buying hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise!), The panels were a lot of fun including the DC Nation panel. The panels were interactive and a couple were full of loud and enthusiastic fans, When Q & A time came we heard a lot of stupid questions that made us even wonder whether the people attending the panels had read a recent comic book in the last year. I had a fulfilling and nerdy weekend that really gave me an insight to the seedy underbelly that is comic book fandom.


Yeah that's the fucking Delorean.

The crowd was decent the convention floor was never crowded and in all out panic mode. There definitely was the cosplay crowd although I could have done with more "bad" costumes, I saw alot of really good costumes like a couple of guys dressed as Stryfe and Zero. They were awesome!

We spit HOT fire of course.

Another costume that was really cool was a girl dressed as Kitty Pryde, cool thing was that she had a different Kitty Pryde outfit on every day of the convention. This chick even busted Lockheed out!


Jesus Christ! Watch out Kitty! Mojo is gonna fucking eat you! Someone get me a Slim Fast quick!

Here's a couple more cosplay pics!


This guy busted out X-Force Wolverine!


This pic made me laugh so hard cause the guy took his costume so seriously that he had to really think about taking this pic, when he said "Yes" the look on his face was like if he died a little inside. You did, man.


Fuck it, I'm joining the S.T.A.R.S. team...

I actually had a ton of fun and I spent a total of $1 because of all the panels and people watching I did (Don't worry I'll spend shit tons of cash at Wizard World). As for the C2E2 here's the deal, next year will probably be a bit better. My pals said it was probably first year jitters and they wanted to give it a try. I'll buy that and check it out again next year, if the C2E2 isn't up to the degree it should be I'd probably say that next year will be the last. If next year you really want to go to your first comic book convention check out the C2E2 then graduate to Wizard World. I am really looking forward to next year though, hope to see you all there!

Cup O' Joe and X-Men panel

The Cup O’ Joe Marvel panel started off with Joe Quesada, Arune Singh, Tom Brevoort, THE Jeph Loeb, and C.B. Cebulski. First on the agenda was the new Secret Avengers book coming out this summer and we saw the full lineup with Steve Rogers, Moon Knight, Black Widow, Beast, Ant-Man, and Nova. The full lineup had been revealed last week at Wonder-con so we really didn’t get any big time news there. Jeph Loeb then went next ad revealed that Hulk #23 would be Double Sized and contain the Red Hulk origin. The book would also get a few different guest star artists like Adam Kubert (finally back at Marvel), Sal Buscema, and Tim Sale to name a few. Alex Ross and Christos Gage will be bringing out Invaders which will be a new on-going book. For me the news of the panel was the Avengers: Childrens Crusade arc that will see the search for the Scarlet Witch and it‘ll be beautifully drawn by Jim Cheung. Quesada also told us about O.M.I.T. which stands for One Moment In Time it will deal with the fallout of Spider-Man’s One More Day and Brand New Day arcs. We were also told to hold our horses for the Marvel Man reprinted Hardcovers that will be coming out in the near future.


The next day we hit up the X-Men panel with writers Peter David ad Marjorie Liu, which really wasn’t a strong panel but gave us a little insight on things to come in the X-Universe. They show us the We Are The X-Men teaser with Spider-Man, Gambit, Hope, Elektra, She-Hulk, Blade, Magneto, and Psylocke. Also we get to see a teaser for Wolverine’s new ongoing where his soul is in hell which will be part of the fallout of Second Coming. Wolverine will also be heading an all new X-Force team with members to be announced in the coming months, they’ll be going against Apocalypse who’ll be making a huge return after Second Coming.

Marvel animation panel at C2E2

The Marvel animation panel started with editor and chief Joe Quesada, manager of sales communication Arune Singh, and Josh Fine director of development. They showed us some Superhero Squad season 2 tease with MODOCK and it hinted that they'd be introducing the Infinity Gems. They also introduced new Squad characters like Bucky, Hercules, Captain Marvel, and Zeus. Ultimate Spider-Man was brought up although Quesada wouldn't budge on it he did say that Spectacular Spider-Man is canceled as well as Wolverine and the X-Men.

We were also treated to the official world premiere trailer the The Avengers Earths mightiest heroes (They acknowledge that it had been leaked and that we'd probably already saw it). A new Marvel cartoon which will have the original Avenger team of Iron man,Wasp, Ant man, Thor, Hulk and Captain America. The trailer got a huge pop from the crowd. In the show it looks like they're using the Breakout story arc from New Avengers and throwing Loki in there as a way to play homage to the fact that Loki originally was the threat that the Avengers came together against. The Trailer showed a whole bunch of baddies including the Wrecking Crew, Kang the conqueror, and Ultron.

The crowd actually got a few good questions in like: Are Marvel and Pixar working on anything? Quesada simply said "Its a long process and its too soon to be working on anything yet." Then someone needed to know when Black Panther is coming to America... "Very soon" was the answer. Finally fans of Next Avengers will be happy to know that Bendis will be including them in an upcoming story arc. After the panel I was able to speak with Joe Quesada about the Disney purchase of Marvel, I asked Quesada if Disney's own animation department would be dipping their pens in any Marvel projects whether its animated or a comic book. Quesada assured me that Disney doesn't want to fix what is not broken. Disney doesn't have the Male demographic covered the way that they do with females so Disney wants Marvel to continue being a separate company and continue offering the product that attracts young males and adult men which has never been Disney's strong point in the past. Disney won't step on any Marvel toes as long as Marvel continues to rake in the money it is supposed to, But Quesada also mentioned that it is nice to finally be able to attack a wide spectrum of the international market and that Disney has its own TV networks where we'll be able to see a lot more Marvel projects go forward. Great panel by Joe Quesada and the Marvel team tonight I'll be able to wrap things up with the Cup O' Joe and X-Men panel which will be happening today as well as a wrap up of C2E2.

DC Nation Panel at C2E2

The DC Nation panel started at 4:45, Dan Diddio sprints up to the podium and is mega energized and extremely over with the crowd. Diddio's followed by Peter Straub, James Robinson, Scott Snyder, Geoff Johns, Brian Azzarello, and of course the IMMORTAL Jim Lee (My fav).
The panel was incredibly interactive and Diddio was really fan friendly, we really didn't get to see any upcoming previews or get many bombs dropped on us. The DC Nation panel was really about hearing the public's opinion with the recent status with DC. The crowed approved heavily with the way Blackest Night went (HUGE pop for the return of Aquaman) and it sounded like everyone was excited for Brightest Day. I have to give my kudos to how well DC treats their fans at a live function. It was all about hearing everyone's opinion and reacting positive to the negative questions and not afraid to be frank on the business level. Diddio even gave everyone a chance to voice their opinion on "prehistoric Batman" which got a forced favorable applause from the crowd, But when someone booed about Barry Allen returning as the Flash Diddio gave that person a chance to voice their dislike about the idea. Diddio went as far as calling out select people from the audience who jeered at some of DC's unpopular moves. As expected Geoff Johns received most of the questions and gave short sweet answers on subjects like Hawkman and Martian Manhunter's return, He also teased on a collaboration with Jim Lee on a big event. The panel ran about a hour and a half and again was very light with spoilers or preview information. The DC Nation panel was really about hearing the fans out and getting everyone excited for a weekend of C2E2 festivities.
After the show I thanked Diddio for a great presentation (He was extremely gracious and gave a warm welcome to me), I also was able to speak briefly to Jim Lee about his recent iPad drawings and Tweets that he's been posting a lot of lately and asked if we'd ever see a variant Jim Lee cover done on iPad's Sketchbook Pro, Jim thought that the capabilities on the iPad weren't strong enough yet for that. I brought up if devices like the iPad would change the artistic world for comics sooner than expected, Jim Lee assured me that pencils and Bristol boards would not be going anywhere anytime soon. I then shared an awkward moment with Brian Azzarello in the bathroom but that stemmed from an even more awkward Azzarello moment that happened earlier in the day (story to come soon). Thanks everyone!

Slavery. The Musical.

So, For a couple of years now I've been thinking of dipping my hands into the Theater scene. I came up with the great (or not so great) idea of Slaver: The Musical. I tried getting my roomie Cliff to help write it (He's Black so that clears me of being racist. Its an insurance type of thing...) but he declined. I think it has something to do with him not being able to look his mother in the eyes if he degraded himself to something like this. I on the other hand can't disappoint my mother because Her opinion of me is so low that any stupid antic I get involved in isn't even on her radar. The only way Slavery: The Musical can work is if I go with what I remember about history, So this musical is going to be severely historically inaccurate.

I only have a few scenes that are going to be in this musical for sure, here's ow the opening scene plays out:

It's set in 1789 or something, Christopher Columbus Jr. is a poor Spanish pirate that is hard pressed for cash. All his father has left him is a ship named "La Santa Maria" and a crew of scurvy-ish sea dogs. CC Jr. has decided to quit following his dad's footsteps and will finally finish Graduate school and get his Master's in Chariot Bronzing (Cliff helped me with that so he's officially on board as a Writer! So If you have a problem with this blog, You are a fucking racist. True story.) All of a sudden one of the drunken sea mongrels wakes up and tells CC Jr. of a place where they can steal "chocolate" people and sell them into slavery and they'll be stinking rich. A place to the west of Jamaica called Africa, Then we cue this fucking song in:


During this little number we have random pirates frolicking around and dancing with random mops, sea horses, and probably a Mermaid. (Again this will be as historically and realistically accurate as I think it would be.) You have to watch the video and imagine this scene going down, During the sweet drumming parts I'd really love to throw in an Octopus wearing an eye patch throwing down an insane drum solo. CC Jr. will be singing the major parts of the song with random pirates dropping in and throwing down the chorus with CC Jr. Then towards the end of the song they slowly creep up on the looming Africa which they were able to get to within the 4 minutes and 35 seconds the song lasted. All the pirates will speak with "limey" British accent and CC Jr. will sound like Antonio Banderas but with a lisp, However during the musical number they will all sing in the same tasty falsetto voice that Toto sings in. Now that I've got you hooked the next scene will only blow your mind further...

So the next scene introduces Ungato a young twenty something African who just finished the Hunting academy but is still a little unhappy with his profession. Ungato really wanted to go to the Cave painting institute and become a famous Artist like his hero: Shabuboo Da Vince. As Ungato is walking the jungle he breaks out this musical gem from the eighties:


Ungato goes completely ape shit in this song! (see what I did there? Ape shit... Ungato is an african? Apes come from Africa!!! I'm a fucking GENIUS!) So during the song he dances and meets with jungle friends like a Big ass Lion, Stegosaurus, Spider Monkey, Dodo birds, maybe a Crip or a Blood since they originated from Africa as well. About a minute and a half into the song he's following shiny red fabric that really interests him and he's walking into the direction "La Santa Maria" is in. Then at the end of the song... BAM! The net falls and he's got a one way ticket to adventure and painstakingly hard labor!

So now that Christopher Columbus Jr. has recruited about 250 Africans he tosses them into the hull of the ship which can really only house 20 people. Halfway back to America CC Jr. realizes that there are a shit ton of chores that need to be done. But the Crew is extremely tired after a hard day of whipping the slaves unnecessarily and drinking a lot of rum. So CC Jr. decides to have the Africans swab the deck, make lunch, and organize his Calico cartridges. So what do we get now? The first all slave MUSICAL NUMBER!!!!


This little number here is for the gentlemen in the crowd who wanna see some ass and titties!! We're gonna get African hoes in booty shorts doing a little dancey dance for the fellas. Oh you better believe we're gonna have the Running Man, the Seizure, Break dancing natives, the Worm, the cabbage patch, the tootsie roll, Krumping, step battles, booty shakes, the Kid and Play dance, Fly girls. Its probably going to be the best dance scene ever choreographed. Of course CC Jr. will be mastering the turn tables... This dance scene will be off the hook.

So far that's all you're gonna get for Act 1, We've still got a ways to go with this whole musical and I really think I'll never get back to it. Too bad to I was gonna have an awesome duet with Ungato and Slave Master's hot blonde daughter.


Feel the head spins, Nigga. (I can say that word... One of the writers is Black.)

Review: Funny Misshapen Body by Jeffrey Brown

Funny Misshapen Body by Jeffrey Brown is a true interpretation on how the mind works, Well.. as far as memories go at least. I picked this book up at Top Shelf's booth at last years Wizard World and its an extraordinary read. I think what Jeffrey Brown did here was let people into his mind and witness his most embarrassing and private moments not so much as to air out his life, But to extend an invitation to be a part of his memories. Jeffrey Brown released this book under the Touchstone books publication but he's also written for Top Shelf and contributed to NPR.

Funny Misshapen Body is an Memoir on Jeffrey Brown's life. It follows him from elementary school in Grand Rapids, Michigan all the way through to a Master's program he took at the Art Institute of Chicago. Mr. Brown details his crushes, art, drugs and failures he's encountered as well as dealing with Crohn's disease where he had to have parts of his intestine removed. Many times throughout the book I felt myself reliving his moments the good and the bad. Jeffrey Brown makes it extremely easy to identify with him. The writing involved in this book tackles every emotion and boundary. Its one of those books that (cliche quote moment here) stays with you.

The artwork in Funny Misshapen Body is memorable and fun to look at. Many would call it simplistic and lazy, I think the art accentuates the book! Jeffrey's artwork makes you feel like you could write and draw a book like this, because you aren't overwhelmed by artwork that makes you feel out of place. In chapter breaks Jeffrey Brown exhibits his more advanced talents where he has beautiful line drawings that reminded me a bit of a younger and hipper R. Crumb.

This book is perfect for people that love coming of age stories whether you're a fan of the movie Rushmore or the T.V. show The Wonder Years. Funny Misshapen Body details parts of Jeffrey Brown's life that are really important to him. I'm glad I picked this book up its a perfect break from superhuman squadrons and the mutant menace! Buy this book or forever be labeled a really bad human being.

Karate Kid.... Broke? Or made better?

Yes. They are making a Karate Kid remake. Will it be better than the the original? Well, The storyline will be a lot better since it deals with a black kid moving to China and being treated like straight up garbage. The acting might be a tad refined because well aside from Pat Morrita's awesome turn as Mr. Miyagi, Ralph Macchio's acting skills were horrible. The new movie has Jayden Smith and Jackie Chan (from what I saw in the Trailer the role fits him pretty well) so they actually seem to have some chemistry as Student and Teacher. The movie will NOT be as timeless as the original of course, BUT the strength of the original one is losing its grip with the new generation. I loved the original Karate Kid, But I think its pretty safe for me to say that I'll be seeing the new one. I don't think I'm blaspheming as many people who loved the original might say. I really think that a lot of people hold on to the 80's so much that they feel any remake of a key movie of their 80's childhood is a horrible and awful thing. Hey guys SPOILER ALERT: its going to keep happening! Hollywood will continue to remake movies over and over again, They've been doing it for a very long time!
Do you know what happens when a 9 year old kid in the present day watches the Karate Kid on TV? 8 times out of 10 they have this confused look on their face and wonder "Why am I watching this? What have I done to make my parents hate me so much that they're making me watch a movie from the Jurassic Period?" We are the only ones who still enjoy the Karate Kid! I can watch the original like 5 times a year and be a happy camper, to me that movie will always be a bookmark in my memory banks. I'm always going to love that damn movie! Is a remake necessary? Why is there a black kid in it? I see these stupid ass questions posted everywhere! Who cares that its a black kid?! Remakes are gonna happen all the time! EVERYTHING is eventually a remake of something, Hollywood loves to remake and redo. Look at the women there, they're all old women made to look new... Just like the movies. Karate Kid remake might be really good, Heck it might even be way better than the original. But rest assured no one can ever take this away from us old timers:



I'll tell you what when the new one comes out I'll review it... But who knows maybe it'll be an incredible piece of shit and I'll bash it with the rest of you. Then we can all die happy.

I love guns. Alot.

Gun rights is one of the most debated topics in America right now. People that are against it claim that guns are dangerous and plead for everyone to think of the children. Ok.. Here's what you need to know right now: If your kid shoots himself with your gun that you have in your home, You FAILED as a parent and a gun owner. That is a true statement! Your kids should know the dangers and responsibility of handling a gun. Its just like driving a car: you can't handle one correctly without practice and knowledge.


This is Mayor Daley laughing at your shit!

Chicago's Handgun ban is being debated right now. Many citizens think that the ban is unconstitutional and want it overturned. Some people want to go a bit further and want a law passed that Chicagoans can carry and conceal handguns ALL THE TIME! This isn't such a bad idea, I think that with proper training and safety regulations honest Americans can carry some straight up heat and put a hold on Chicago crime. I'm not saying we need some vigilante justice up in here... I'm saying we need the bad guys to be afraid of us!


It's MUUUURRRRDDDAAAA!!!!

I'd love to see a potential rapist or petty mugger catch a bullet to the kneecap or the gut. We need our citizens to fight back against the fear crime has put into them. Mayor Daley is totally against us having guns in fact he's one of the top guys arguing against lifting the ban. Do you know why? Because he doesn't have to take the bus and el train alone at night. Mayor Daley doesn't have to walk home through the shitty neighborhoods and he doesn't live in fear of someone robbing him on payday. That fat mothefucker has like a hundred security guards that are strapped to the teeth, So if someone evens sneezes on him they catch a bullet! Almost all the gun crimes in Chicago are done with illegally purchased or stolen guns anyway! So people should be allowed to own a gun or multiple guns!


Shorty got a strap! Where you at??!

Back to kids and guns, If you travel to the South a lot of younger kids know how to use guns. Kids as young as nine years old know how to handle a rifle and are completely responsible with firearms. Ok so dudes in the South like to fuck their sisters... At least they know how to keep it real with a glock. I'll tell you this, Kelly and I will be applying for the FOID card then we're gonna go to the range and learn how to properly take care of our weapons. Then we're gonna buy the coolest guns ever and take pictures of us doing irresponsible shit with our guns. I'm a grown ass man and I will totally take a picture of myself pointing a gun into an infants mouth. WEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSTTTT SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDEEEE!!!!!