C2E2 Avatar Press panel by John Bruni

I've got Bruni here again with some awesome news and a great article on the Avatar Press panel from C2E2. Sorry its late guys... I HAVE A JOB!

The Avatar Press Panel
By John Bruni

As one who has worked as a journalist and reviewer in the past, I hate to break the fourth wall. It’s downright unprofessional. It even bothers me when Shakespeare threw asides into his plays. But for the Avatar panel, I have to do it. I have no choice. You’ll see why.

Cliff and I went to the Avatar panel, and when I saw there were only a handful of attendees, I shook my head. Some of the best work in the industry could be found with Avatar’s logo on it, and this was the biggest crowd they could get?

Brian Pulido took to the lectern while the rest of the panel took seats at the table: Mike Wolfer, Jacen Burrows, William Christensen, and Christos Gage. Gage was the last to arrive because he said he’d gotten lost, that he’d tried every panel room, and this was the last one. (That’s another problem with McCormick Place: it’s really hard to navigate.)

From the very introduction, it was clear that this was not to be an ordinary panel. The ball-busting began very soon in the presentation, and it did not let up a bit. Off-color remarks were hurled about, including cursing, which one simply does not find at, say, a Marvel panel. I think Karen Berger said “shit” twice at the Vertigo panel, but that’s nothing compared to how the air turned blue around the Avatar guys. At one point, they declared that their evening event with George R.R. Martin and Max Brooks would feature the ritual sacrifice of William Christensen, but the joke stopped when they realized that they should never sacrifice the money.

But in between the gloriously inappropriate humor, actual information was mentioned to the crowd. The biggest news Avatar had to offer was their new imprint, Boundless Comics, of which LADY DEATH was going to be the flagship title. In the year 1351, Lady Death has fallen from grace. Her powers are gone, and so is her memory of them. She makes her living as an assassin and thief in the Dark Ages. Then, she encounters a rebel demon who tries to convince her that she used to be something more than what she is. Pulido promises that the new storyline will not fuck with the old Lady Death, and fans will not be disappointed.

The next biggest news is the return of CROSSED, and I’m not just talking about the comics series. There is also a movie in the works with the screenplay written by Garth Ennis. It is to be a live-action movie, and many on the panel tried to speculate as to how much of Ennis’ grotesque story will make it onto the big screen. They wondered about one thing in particular: the horse cock. (Readers will know what I’m talking about.) Will there be “live action horse cock?” In addition, there will be a second series of CROSSED, launched by Ennis and Burrows before it is handed off to a new creative team. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is disappointed to hear that the reins will be passed on, but I have faith in Avatar. They’ve never let me down before.

Burrows talked about his new project with Alan Moore, NEONOMICON, which is the sequel to THE COURTYARD, both of which you can read more about in my interview with Burrows. He also quoted Moore at the panel: “[This is] HPL as done by HBO.”

The final project they discussed was Gage’s upcoming sequel to ABSOLUTION, which is titled ABSOLUTION: RUBICON, in which the protagonist, who had turned to a life of killing villains who couldn’t be touched by the law, is on the run from his superhero/cop friends as he continues his new calling in life.

And then the show was turned over to Q&A. Every single person in this very small crowd had a question, which goes to show the dedication of the Avatar fan. Then, I put my hand up, and Pulido told me to state my name and who I work for.

I’ve known him for many years now. In fact, my job as a reviewer of comic books kind of began because of him. Back when I was just a mere fan, I was big into his EVIL ERNIE books, but there was a period of time when they were starting to disappoint me. Rather than gripe and moan about the horrible state of comics, like most do (and this was a time before the internet was prominent in armchair critics lives), I wrote an eight-page letter to Chaos!, in which I critiqued EE, not just pointing out where they were going wrong, but also showing where they’ve done really well.

Part of the letter was published in an issue of EE, and I was named Fiend of the Month. Pulido actually called me up to discuss a few of the points I’d made, and during that phone call, he invited me out to Wizard World Chicago to meet him. It wound up being my first convention. (Not long after this conversation, I went on to start reviewing comic books for the Elmhurst College LEADER, and my first review was of EE.)

So, I’ve seen him every year from that moment on, and I’m sure he was surprised to see me show up in a suit to C2E2 this year. I explained that I was a working member of the press for this convention. As I was the only one working for the press in the room (Cliff had yet to read his first Avatar book at that point), I was singled out for this bit of ball-busting.

I had interviewed almost everyone at the panel, and they remembered me, so they broke out laughing. Then, the panelist who was wondering about the CROSSED movie suddenly laughed and said, “Don’t quote me on the horse cock thing!”

It was my greatest moment as a journalist.

Anyway, my question was regarding Boundless Comics. I wanted to know if they were planning on having BELLADONNA, GYPSY, and WAR ANGEL as titles for their new imprint. Christiansen and Pulido exchanged glances, and the former said, “We haven’t discussed that yet.” They said that it was a possibility, and Pulido asked me, “Is that something you’d like to see?”

Considering how open he is to his audience (since after my eight-page letter, EE went on to some of his awesomest, mind-blowingest adventures), I answered with a resounding yes. “Especially WAR ANGEL,” I said.

Pulido then mentioned that he’d heard that WAR ANGEL was actually 50-Cent’s favorite comic book. A bit of weird trivia. Who knows? It might come in handy someday.

So, there are a lot of excellent things coming from Avatar and Boundless soon. If you’re not on board yet, you need to buy your ticket. You’ll get a kick out of the ride.

John Bruni interviews at C2E2!

While I continue to expand this blog and eventually create our website, I'll invite some of my pals (whose writing skills are a lot better than mine!) to contribute a bit. Here's my friend and published author John Bruni! WARNING: He's a sick bastard.

Interview with Bill Willingham
By John Bruni

Bill Willingham was born in Ft. Belvoir, VA. He got his start working for TSR, illustrating for their D&D role-playing games. He came to prominence in the ‘Eighties for his series, ELEMENTALS. He has since worked on PANTHEON, IRONWOOD, and PROPOSITION PLAYER, and he is now helming FABLES and JACK OF FABLES for Vertigo and ANGEL for IDW.

JB: So far, we’ve had FABLES and JACK OF FABLES. Will there be any more FABLES spin-offs?

BW: We have the CINDERELLA mini-series [FROM FABLETOWN WITH LOVE], and it’s done pretty well. Chris Roberson, the writer, has an idea for a second case. It hasn’t been guaranteed yet, but we might be doing the next Cinderella caper. FABLES will continue, of course. I hope we’ll continue forever.

JB: Do you have any other projects coming up soon?

BW: Next for me is, of course, a lot more FABLES. 301 issues of FABLES would be a good goal to go for. Then again, Hal Foster did 33 years of Prince Valiant, and we’ve only done 9 years of FABLES, so we have another 20 years or so of FABLES to go. We’re always going to do a FABLES special project. We have CINDERELLA coming out. The next big thing is going to be issue 100 of FABLES, a 100-page spectacular with a FABLES board game inside, and a paper puppet theater that Mark Buckingham is doing with FABLES cut-outs and stages. And we’re doing a switcheroo for one of the back-up stories where Mark is writing the story that I’m illustrating for him. And the next big FABLES project is going to be “Werewolves of the Heartland” in which Bigby finds, of course, werewolves in the heartland and what happens as a result. I wish I could show you the cover. It is so cool. It’s Bigby holding a hot blonde in his arms as he’s fighting off an entire pack of werewolves.

JB: What is your favorite Fable?

BW: I’ll give you the silly sounding, but accurate, answer, which is, I kind of like whichever one I’m working on right now. We have the Rose Red arc going, so I’m really into Rose Red at the moment. During “The Good Prince” it was all Flycatcher. But all time favorite? I don’t know. I’d have to go with Bigby and Snow White, because they’re really the core relationship of the book. My all time favorite before I started writing FABLES was always the Pied Piper. I loved the villains.

Interview with Brian Azzarello

Brian Azzarello was born in Cleveland, OH, and now lives in Chicago. He has had stories appear in comic books like WEIRD WAR TALES, GANGLAND, FLINCH, and WINTER’S EDGE. While he has worked on high profile books like BATMAN, SUPERMAN, SGT. ROCK, and HELLBLAZER, he is best known as the writer of 100 BULLETS, among other crime books, such as JONNY DOUBLE and FILTHY RICH. Other projects of note include LOVELESS, EL DIABLO, and his new project for DC, FIRST WAVE, featuring Batman, Doc Savage, the Spirit, and a few other old DC pulp characters.

JB: You’ve been writing some of the best crime comics I’d say in the history of comics. Ed Brubaker’s close, but—

BA: But he’s not better. Make sure he hears that. I’m just busting his balls.

JB: What’s coming up next for you?

BA: FIRST WAVE, which I’m doing with Rags Morales, bringing back some of the pulp characters.

JB: Doc Savage, the Spirit, and Batman with a gun.

BA: Batman with two guns.

JB: Thank you very much for the brief interview.

BA: That was brief! Jesus!

Leo Perez: Like he is in bed. I mean, I wouldn’t know.

JB: This is my boss, by the way.


Interview with Brian Pulido

Brian Pulido is best known as the president and publisher of Chaos! Comics, and the creator of horror/fantasy characters like Evil Ernie, Lady Death, and Purgatori. He has also written comics based on horror franchises such as NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, FRIDAY THE 13TH, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, and CHILD’S PLAY. He is also a filmmaker, having written the animated feature, LADY DEATH, as well as writing and directing KILLER GNOME and THE GRAVES (the latter featuring Tony Todd and Bill Mosley). For Avatar, he has developed such characters as Belladonna, Gypsy, War Angel, and his own Lady Death. Lady Death will soon be resurrected for Boundless Comics.

JB: Is there any possibility that you might get Evil Ernie back and do another series?

BP: I really don’t know. All the characters except Lady Death are owned by another group, and I don’t know what their intentions are. Is that something you’d like to see?

JB: I would love to see you helm another Evil Ernie project.

BP: Thank you very much.

JB: Music plays a big role in your work. Do you have any influences in particular?

BP: I veer towards all kinds of rock and roll. If it’s blues-based, I enjoy it. These days, in the hard rock realm, I really enjoy Lamb of God. In fact, Randy Blythe from Lamb of God is in my movie, THE GRAVES. I enjoy a lot of local Phoenix rock and roll. Bands like Calabrese, bands from Tucson like the Mission Creeps, so I love all forms of rock. I’m a classic thrash metaller, so I like Overkill, Anthrax, Megadeth, Metallica, Slayer. I particularly enjoyed Slayer’s latest, WORLD PAINTED BLOOD.

JB: You used to do characters like War Angel, Gypsy, and Belladonna for Avatar. What happened to those projects?

BP: They came and did their run. I don’t know if they were top-sellers, but I had a lot of fun doing them. You never know. Something as crazy as WAR ANGEL could fit very nicely with Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. I don’t know what will happen in the future. The great thing about comics is, they never seem to die.

JB: What’s next for you?

BP: Next up in the world of comics is that LADY DEATH is going to be a monthly series written with Mike Wolfer. It begins in winter 2010. In the world of film, my movie THE GRAVES is now out on DVD from Lions Gate, and it will be on SyFy this summer or fall. Then I begin the next movie I’m writing and directing this summer.


Interview with Jacen Burrows

Jacen Burrows was born in San Diego and now lives in Urbana, IL. He has worked with Caliber Press and London Night, and he now makes his home at Avatar, where he has worked on DARK BLUE, SCARS, 303, CROSSED, and THE CHRONICLES OF WORMWOOD.

Bruni: You’ve worked with great writers like Warren Ellis and Garth Ennis. How do you think this has affected your work?

Burrows: When I first started working with that level of writer was with Warren Ellis, and at the time my skill level was kind of low and I was still trying to figure a lot of stuff out. Having to work with a writer at that level really makes you want to up your game and live up to the quality you know is in the writing. It helps you push yourself. You realize there is going to be a certain expectation on the buyers’ part of quality based on the previous work of the writer. You don’t want to be the crappy artist that he worked with. I want to improve with every single page and every single project. I think working with these people really pushed me faster. They’re so good at telling stories. The paneling descriptions, the flow between panels, made me aware of certain nuances, and how to be a little more cinematic with my work.

Bruni: What are your influences?

Burrows: They’re all over the place. I’m a graduate of the Savannah College of Art and Design. I did sequential art and illustration, and they have a major focus on art history. I’ve studied everything, essentially. Fine art, Renaissance painting all the way up to modern art. All of it plays in. You learn basics about composition and even abstract painters, which isn’t something that normally affects sequential artists. You take it all in in subtle ways. You’re constantly evolving. These days, the main thing I’m focusing on is trying to increase my composition skills, so I’m looking at a lot of classic illustrators like Maxfield Parrish, N.C. Wyeth, people like that, as well as the constant influx of new comics artists who bring something new to the table. You can’t stop looking for influences. Every source, cinematic, too. I study a lot of films and a lot of great directors. It never ends. I’m constantly evolving through external sources.

Bruni: What’s next for you?

Burrows: The next project I’m doing is called NEONOMICON with Alan Moore. It’s the direct sequel to THE COURTYARD, which I did with him five, six years ago. It’s an original story, not an adaptation. It’s Alan Moore’s deconstruction of H.P. Lovecraft’s work, taking the work and placing it into the modern world and applying a contemporary realism to it. It’s intensely sick and twisted and very psychological. It gets surreal in spots. It’s a crazy project. I’m excited to see how it turns out.

Interview with Mike Wolfer

Mike Wolfer entered the comics field in 1987 with DAIKAZU, a title published by his own company, Ground Zero Comics. He is best known for his WIDOW series, and he has worked for Chaos!, London Night, and Dark Horse. His current home is Avatar, where he has worked on STRANGE KISS and all of its sequels (including the monthly, GRAVEL), WOLFSKIN, and STREETS OF GLORY.

JB: You’ve worked with some great writers, like Garth Ennis, Warren Ellis, and now Brian Pulido. How has this affected your work?

MW: It’s given me a lot of opportunities I haven’t had before. Obviously, if you work with someone the caliber of Warren Ellis and Garth Ennis and Brian Pulido, they push you to take what you’ve got and go to the next level. Not that I wasn’t trying before, but it’s a little bit different. You’ve got to step up your game. It’s been great, and Avatar has given me one opportunity after another. I couldn’t ask for more.

JB: Do they allow for a lot of artistic freedom? Or are the writers strict?

MW: It depends on the project. When I work with Garth, he has an exact idea of what he wants. He provides all the details. When I work with Warren, on the other hand, he leaves it a little more up to me. I wrote with him after a while, and when you’re writing it, as well as drawing it, it’s totally different. Some things are very vague, but some things are very exact. I work from Warren’s plots, then I actually script them, so in that situation, I’m writing for myself.

JB: What are your influences as an artist?

MW: A lot of people ask me that. What artists do I like? What do I read? Probably nothing in the last thirty years really influenced me. My influences are older. The artists that Warren Publishing had back in the ‘Seventies. The stuff I read when I was growing up. To me, those guys were the classics. Typical comics guys like Jack Kirby and John Byrne and all those guys, I don’t really see them as being influences as much as the guys at Warren. That solid black and white look, the gray tones, the washes, that’s what really captured my imagination.

JB: What’s next for you?

MW: There’s a lot, most of which I can’t discuss. There will be more GRAVEL. Then there’s WOLFSKIN #3, a six-issue miniseries, of which issue one just came out. The big announcement at this show is that Avatar is launching a sister company called Boundless Comics, and the flagship title is going to be LADY DEATH, which I wrote with Brian Pulido.


Short and sweet interviews and even a bit of myself making a compete fool of myself in front of Brian Azzarello. If any of you are in the need to stray away from the DC or Marvel way of comics I highly recommend picking up an Avatar Press book and I also think that Azzarello should never NOT have a full line of people wanting his signature on a book because the man is a genius! More from Bruni to come! P.S. Sorr Bruni my camera didn't save the picture of you and Pulido... BUT we've got Wizard World Chicago my friend!

Adventures at C2E2!

The first annual C2E2 hit Chicago up last weekend at the McCormick Place, It was brought to you by the same group that heads the San Diego Comic-con! So you must think it was the illest comic book and entertainment expo this city has ever seen right? Wrong. It was Wizard World lite to say the least, I'm not saying it sucked because it didn't. If you've never been to a convention and C2E2 would be your first then it would have been a hell of a time! If you have books that you wanted signed by your favorite artists and writers at the event, It was a total piece of cake because the lines were very small. For me this was the first time I'd ever gone to any of the panels at a comic book convention (I'm usually buying hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise!), The panels were a lot of fun including the DC Nation panel. The panels were interactive and a couple were full of loud and enthusiastic fans, When Q & A time came we heard a lot of stupid questions that made us even wonder whether the people attending the panels had read a recent comic book in the last year. I had a fulfilling and nerdy weekend that really gave me an insight to the seedy underbelly that is comic book fandom.


Yeah that's the fucking Delorean.

The crowd was decent the convention floor was never crowded and in all out panic mode. There definitely was the cosplay crowd although I could have done with more "bad" costumes, I saw alot of really good costumes like a couple of guys dressed as Stryfe and Zero. They were awesome!

We spit HOT fire of course.

Another costume that was really cool was a girl dressed as Kitty Pryde, cool thing was that she had a different Kitty Pryde outfit on every day of the convention. This chick even busted Lockheed out!


Jesus Christ! Watch out Kitty! Mojo is gonna fucking eat you! Someone get me a Slim Fast quick!

Here's a couple more cosplay pics!


This guy busted out X-Force Wolverine!


This pic made me laugh so hard cause the guy took his costume so seriously that he had to really think about taking this pic, when he said "Yes" the look on his face was like if he died a little inside. You did, man.


Fuck it, I'm joining the S.T.A.R.S. team...

I actually had a ton of fun and I spent a total of $1 because of all the panels and people watching I did (Don't worry I'll spend shit tons of cash at Wizard World). As for the C2E2 here's the deal, next year will probably be a bit better. My pals said it was probably first year jitters and they wanted to give it a try. I'll buy that and check it out again next year, if the C2E2 isn't up to the degree it should be I'd probably say that next year will be the last. If next year you really want to go to your first comic book convention check out the C2E2 then graduate to Wizard World. I am really looking forward to next year though, hope to see you all there!

Cup O' Joe and X-Men panel

The Cup O’ Joe Marvel panel started off with Joe Quesada, Arune Singh, Tom Brevoort, THE Jeph Loeb, and C.B. Cebulski. First on the agenda was the new Secret Avengers book coming out this summer and we saw the full lineup with Steve Rogers, Moon Knight, Black Widow, Beast, Ant-Man, and Nova. The full lineup had been revealed last week at Wonder-con so we really didn’t get any big time news there. Jeph Loeb then went next ad revealed that Hulk #23 would be Double Sized and contain the Red Hulk origin. The book would also get a few different guest star artists like Adam Kubert (finally back at Marvel), Sal Buscema, and Tim Sale to name a few. Alex Ross and Christos Gage will be bringing out Invaders which will be a new on-going book. For me the news of the panel was the Avengers: Childrens Crusade arc that will see the search for the Scarlet Witch and it‘ll be beautifully drawn by Jim Cheung. Quesada also told us about O.M.I.T. which stands for One Moment In Time it will deal with the fallout of Spider-Man’s One More Day and Brand New Day arcs. We were also told to hold our horses for the Marvel Man reprinted Hardcovers that will be coming out in the near future.


The next day we hit up the X-Men panel with writers Peter David ad Marjorie Liu, which really wasn’t a strong panel but gave us a little insight on things to come in the X-Universe. They show us the We Are The X-Men teaser with Spider-Man, Gambit, Hope, Elektra, She-Hulk, Blade, Magneto, and Psylocke. Also we get to see a teaser for Wolverine’s new ongoing where his soul is in hell which will be part of the fallout of Second Coming. Wolverine will also be heading an all new X-Force team with members to be announced in the coming months, they’ll be going against Apocalypse who’ll be making a huge return after Second Coming.

Marvel animation panel at C2E2

The Marvel animation panel started with editor and chief Joe Quesada, manager of sales communication Arune Singh, and Josh Fine director of development. They showed us some Superhero Squad season 2 tease with MODOCK and it hinted that they'd be introducing the Infinity Gems. They also introduced new Squad characters like Bucky, Hercules, Captain Marvel, and Zeus. Ultimate Spider-Man was brought up although Quesada wouldn't budge on it he did say that Spectacular Spider-Man is canceled as well as Wolverine and the X-Men.

We were also treated to the official world premiere trailer the The Avengers Earths mightiest heroes (They acknowledge that it had been leaked and that we'd probably already saw it). A new Marvel cartoon which will have the original Avenger team of Iron man,Wasp, Ant man, Thor, Hulk and Captain America. The trailer got a huge pop from the crowd. In the show it looks like they're using the Breakout story arc from New Avengers and throwing Loki in there as a way to play homage to the fact that Loki originally was the threat that the Avengers came together against. The Trailer showed a whole bunch of baddies including the Wrecking Crew, Kang the conqueror, and Ultron.

The crowd actually got a few good questions in like: Are Marvel and Pixar working on anything? Quesada simply said "Its a long process and its too soon to be working on anything yet." Then someone needed to know when Black Panther is coming to America... "Very soon" was the answer. Finally fans of Next Avengers will be happy to know that Bendis will be including them in an upcoming story arc. After the panel I was able to speak with Joe Quesada about the Disney purchase of Marvel, I asked Quesada if Disney's own animation department would be dipping their pens in any Marvel projects whether its animated or a comic book. Quesada assured me that Disney doesn't want to fix what is not broken. Disney doesn't have the Male demographic covered the way that they do with females so Disney wants Marvel to continue being a separate company and continue offering the product that attracts young males and adult men which has never been Disney's strong point in the past. Disney won't step on any Marvel toes as long as Marvel continues to rake in the money it is supposed to, But Quesada also mentioned that it is nice to finally be able to attack a wide spectrum of the international market and that Disney has its own TV networks where we'll be able to see a lot more Marvel projects go forward. Great panel by Joe Quesada and the Marvel team tonight I'll be able to wrap things up with the Cup O' Joe and X-Men panel which will be happening today as well as a wrap up of C2E2.

DC Nation Panel at C2E2

The DC Nation panel started at 4:45, Dan Diddio sprints up to the podium and is mega energized and extremely over with the crowd. Diddio's followed by Peter Straub, James Robinson, Scott Snyder, Geoff Johns, Brian Azzarello, and of course the IMMORTAL Jim Lee (My fav).
The panel was incredibly interactive and Diddio was really fan friendly, we really didn't get to see any upcoming previews or get many bombs dropped on us. The DC Nation panel was really about hearing the public's opinion with the recent status with DC. The crowed approved heavily with the way Blackest Night went (HUGE pop for the return of Aquaman) and it sounded like everyone was excited for Brightest Day. I have to give my kudos to how well DC treats their fans at a live function. It was all about hearing everyone's opinion and reacting positive to the negative questions and not afraid to be frank on the business level. Diddio even gave everyone a chance to voice their opinion on "prehistoric Batman" which got a forced favorable applause from the crowd, But when someone booed about Barry Allen returning as the Flash Diddio gave that person a chance to voice their dislike about the idea. Diddio went as far as calling out select people from the audience who jeered at some of DC's unpopular moves. As expected Geoff Johns received most of the questions and gave short sweet answers on subjects like Hawkman and Martian Manhunter's return, He also teased on a collaboration with Jim Lee on a big event. The panel ran about a hour and a half and again was very light with spoilers or preview information. The DC Nation panel was really about hearing the fans out and getting everyone excited for a weekend of C2E2 festivities.
After the show I thanked Diddio for a great presentation (He was extremely gracious and gave a warm welcome to me), I also was able to speak briefly to Jim Lee about his recent iPad drawings and Tweets that he's been posting a lot of lately and asked if we'd ever see a variant Jim Lee cover done on iPad's Sketchbook Pro, Jim thought that the capabilities on the iPad weren't strong enough yet for that. I brought up if devices like the iPad would change the artistic world for comics sooner than expected, Jim Lee assured me that pencils and Bristol boards would not be going anywhere anytime soon. I then shared an awkward moment with Brian Azzarello in the bathroom but that stemmed from an even more awkward Azzarello moment that happened earlier in the day (story to come soon). Thanks everyone!

Slavery. The Musical.

So, For a couple of years now I've been thinking of dipping my hands into the Theater scene. I came up with the great (or not so great) idea of Slaver: The Musical. I tried getting my roomie Cliff to help write it (He's Black so that clears me of being racist. Its an insurance type of thing...) but he declined. I think it has something to do with him not being able to look his mother in the eyes if he degraded himself to something like this. I on the other hand can't disappoint my mother because Her opinion of me is so low that any stupid antic I get involved in isn't even on her radar. The only way Slavery: The Musical can work is if I go with what I remember about history, So this musical is going to be severely historically inaccurate.

I only have a few scenes that are going to be in this musical for sure, here's ow the opening scene plays out:

It's set in 1789 or something, Christopher Columbus Jr. is a poor Spanish pirate that is hard pressed for cash. All his father has left him is a ship named "La Santa Maria" and a crew of scurvy-ish sea dogs. CC Jr. has decided to quit following his dad's footsteps and will finally finish Graduate school and get his Master's in Chariot Bronzing (Cliff helped me with that so he's officially on board as a Writer! So If you have a problem with this blog, You are a fucking racist. True story.) All of a sudden one of the drunken sea mongrels wakes up and tells CC Jr. of a place where they can steal "chocolate" people and sell them into slavery and they'll be stinking rich. A place to the west of Jamaica called Africa, Then we cue this fucking song in:


During this little number we have random pirates frolicking around and dancing with random mops, sea horses, and probably a Mermaid. (Again this will be as historically and realistically accurate as I think it would be.) You have to watch the video and imagine this scene going down, During the sweet drumming parts I'd really love to throw in an Octopus wearing an eye patch throwing down an insane drum solo. CC Jr. will be singing the major parts of the song with random pirates dropping in and throwing down the chorus with CC Jr. Then towards the end of the song they slowly creep up on the looming Africa which they were able to get to within the 4 minutes and 35 seconds the song lasted. All the pirates will speak with "limey" British accent and CC Jr. will sound like Antonio Banderas but with a lisp, However during the musical number they will all sing in the same tasty falsetto voice that Toto sings in. Now that I've got you hooked the next scene will only blow your mind further...

So the next scene introduces Ungato a young twenty something African who just finished the Hunting academy but is still a little unhappy with his profession. Ungato really wanted to go to the Cave painting institute and become a famous Artist like his hero: Shabuboo Da Vince. As Ungato is walking the jungle he breaks out this musical gem from the eighties:


Ungato goes completely ape shit in this song! (see what I did there? Ape shit... Ungato is an african? Apes come from Africa!!! I'm a fucking GENIUS!) So during the song he dances and meets with jungle friends like a Big ass Lion, Stegosaurus, Spider Monkey, Dodo birds, maybe a Crip or a Blood since they originated from Africa as well. About a minute and a half into the song he's following shiny red fabric that really interests him and he's walking into the direction "La Santa Maria" is in. Then at the end of the song... BAM! The net falls and he's got a one way ticket to adventure and painstakingly hard labor!

So now that Christopher Columbus Jr. has recruited about 250 Africans he tosses them into the hull of the ship which can really only house 20 people. Halfway back to America CC Jr. realizes that there are a shit ton of chores that need to be done. But the Crew is extremely tired after a hard day of whipping the slaves unnecessarily and drinking a lot of rum. So CC Jr. decides to have the Africans swab the deck, make lunch, and organize his Calico cartridges. So what do we get now? The first all slave MUSICAL NUMBER!!!!


This little number here is for the gentlemen in the crowd who wanna see some ass and titties!! We're gonna get African hoes in booty shorts doing a little dancey dance for the fellas. Oh you better believe we're gonna have the Running Man, the Seizure, Break dancing natives, the Worm, the cabbage patch, the tootsie roll, Krumping, step battles, booty shakes, the Kid and Play dance, Fly girls. Its probably going to be the best dance scene ever choreographed. Of course CC Jr. will be mastering the turn tables... This dance scene will be off the hook.

So far that's all you're gonna get for Act 1, We've still got a ways to go with this whole musical and I really think I'll never get back to it. Too bad to I was gonna have an awesome duet with Ungato and Slave Master's hot blonde daughter.


Feel the head spins, Nigga. (I can say that word... One of the writers is Black.)