Slavery. The Musical.

So, For a couple of years now I've been thinking of dipping my hands into the Theater scene. I came up with the great (or not so great) idea of Slaver: The Musical. I tried getting my roomie Cliff to help write it (He's Black so that clears me of being racist. Its an insurance type of thing...) but he declined. I think it has something to do with him not being able to look his mother in the eyes if he degraded himself to something like this. I on the other hand can't disappoint my mother because Her opinion of me is so low that any stupid antic I get involved in isn't even on her radar. The only way Slavery: The Musical can work is if I go with what I remember about history, So this musical is going to be severely historically inaccurate.

I only have a few scenes that are going to be in this musical for sure, here's ow the opening scene plays out:

It's set in 1789 or something, Christopher Columbus Jr. is a poor Spanish pirate that is hard pressed for cash. All his father has left him is a ship named "La Santa Maria" and a crew of scurvy-ish sea dogs. CC Jr. has decided to quit following his dad's footsteps and will finally finish Graduate school and get his Master's in Chariot Bronzing (Cliff helped me with that so he's officially on board as a Writer! So If you have a problem with this blog, You are a fucking racist. True story.) All of a sudden one of the drunken sea mongrels wakes up and tells CC Jr. of a place where they can steal "chocolate" people and sell them into slavery and they'll be stinking rich. A place to the west of Jamaica called Africa, Then we cue this fucking song in:


During this little number we have random pirates frolicking around and dancing with random mops, sea horses, and probably a Mermaid. (Again this will be as historically and realistically accurate as I think it would be.) You have to watch the video and imagine this scene going down, During the sweet drumming parts I'd really love to throw in an Octopus wearing an eye patch throwing down an insane drum solo. CC Jr. will be singing the major parts of the song with random pirates dropping in and throwing down the chorus with CC Jr. Then towards the end of the song they slowly creep up on the looming Africa which they were able to get to within the 4 minutes and 35 seconds the song lasted. All the pirates will speak with "limey" British accent and CC Jr. will sound like Antonio Banderas but with a lisp, However during the musical number they will all sing in the same tasty falsetto voice that Toto sings in. Now that I've got you hooked the next scene will only blow your mind further...

So the next scene introduces Ungato a young twenty something African who just finished the Hunting academy but is still a little unhappy with his profession. Ungato really wanted to go to the Cave painting institute and become a famous Artist like his hero: Shabuboo Da Vince. As Ungato is walking the jungle he breaks out this musical gem from the eighties:


Ungato goes completely ape shit in this song! (see what I did there? Ape shit... Ungato is an african? Apes come from Africa!!! I'm a fucking GENIUS!) So during the song he dances and meets with jungle friends like a Big ass Lion, Stegosaurus, Spider Monkey, Dodo birds, maybe a Crip or a Blood since they originated from Africa as well. About a minute and a half into the song he's following shiny red fabric that really interests him and he's walking into the direction "La Santa Maria" is in. Then at the end of the song... BAM! The net falls and he's got a one way ticket to adventure and painstakingly hard labor!

So now that Christopher Columbus Jr. has recruited about 250 Africans he tosses them into the hull of the ship which can really only house 20 people. Halfway back to America CC Jr. realizes that there are a shit ton of chores that need to be done. But the Crew is extremely tired after a hard day of whipping the slaves unnecessarily and drinking a lot of rum. So CC Jr. decides to have the Africans swab the deck, make lunch, and organize his Calico cartridges. So what do we get now? The first all slave MUSICAL NUMBER!!!!


This little number here is for the gentlemen in the crowd who wanna see some ass and titties!! We're gonna get African hoes in booty shorts doing a little dancey dance for the fellas. Oh you better believe we're gonna have the Running Man, the Seizure, Break dancing natives, the Worm, the cabbage patch, the tootsie roll, Krumping, step battles, booty shakes, the Kid and Play dance, Fly girls. Its probably going to be the best dance scene ever choreographed. Of course CC Jr. will be mastering the turn tables... This dance scene will be off the hook.

So far that's all you're gonna get for Act 1, We've still got a ways to go with this whole musical and I really think I'll never get back to it. Too bad to I was gonna have an awesome duet with Ungato and Slave Master's hot blonde daughter.


Feel the head spins, Nigga. (I can say that word... One of the writers is Black.)