Tales from Wizard World 2010: It's BLAGO!!!!!!!

Why was Rod Blagojevich at Wizard World? How did the fans react? Did anyone try to stink palm him??? Many questions were asked on Day 2 of the Chicago Comic Con aka Wizard World, the biggest question that was on everyone's mind was: Who asked this jerk to come? Wizard World did. Well at least that's what Blago said, apparently Wizard World had invited him because of his "Pop culture status". Oh yeah Blago and I had a nice little chat... and I do mean little.

Saturday at WW was a madhouse! I'd never seen Wizard World this busy! The day before I'd received a tweet from @WizardWorld about Blago showing up and the place was buzzing. At first I laughed and I thought it was pretty funny that Blago was showing up and that he'd hang out with all us nerds. Then I found out that he was charging $50 an autograph and $80 for a photo op. I was quickly disgusted by the fact that a criminal (he was charged with one count out of 24 technically he's a criminal) was going to charge people for his grimy services! I arrived at WW at about 9:40 am, as I waited for my nephew and his friend to get through the line, I saw the media circus set up shop around Blago's autograph table (which was separate from the rest of the celebrities). I hung around and spoke with a couple of camera crews then went off with my nephew and his pal. About an hour later they announced over the PA that he had arrived the announcement was met with boos and yells. I yelled at my nephew "follow me, we're doing this shit!!" since it was technically my third day at WW I knew the shortcut to Blago's spot. We hurried past costumed freaks and fat dudes eating cheese curds, we get to Blago's media circus to find that people are starting to line up and its getting busy!

I muscled my way through the crowd with my nephew and pal, I slithered past security and stood right next to Blago's table. While I was standing there I was blinded by the flashing cameras and lights. It was like people couldn't get enough pictures with Rod and the man seemed to love every minute of it! All of a sudden a guy starts yelling at Blago "Rod, Why didn't you stop Obama when you had the chance?" Blago looked at him with a puzzled look on his face and responded "I wanted Obama to be president!" (well duh! How could he sell his senate seat if Obama was still sitting in it?) The guy yelled back "You're a LIAR!!!" I looked at the guy and said "Shut the fuck up!" I looked over to Blago's henchmen (or security guard... whatever) and said "Don't worry about that guy, I'm sure that dude is still a virgin." (its true the guy looked like Seth Rogen dressed him) Blago's henchman laughed and asked me why I was standing around, I showed him my press bracelet and asked if I could holler at Blago. (I said "holler" because henchman was black and I figured he'd feel more at home if I spoke to him in "hood") Henchman told me he's get Blago for me if I waited a minute or so. A armed Rosemont police officer was standing next to me, I turned to him and said "So you get to protect Blago huh?" the cop looked at me completely bored and responded with a "yeah... lucky me."

I was told to not record my quick interview, I guess "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" right? Anyway, I shook Blago's hand and he made almost no eye contact with me. Instead he looked over the crowd and swelled with pride. I asked Blago "Why Wizard World Rod? Why are you here?" Blago responded with how he had become a permanent fixture in pop culture and it only made sense that he showed up, especially with his "main demographic" being here. Apparently Blago thinks nerds love him. I asked who had invited him and he quickly responded with how WW's PR department gave his boys a call and he decided it was the "right thing to do". Blago has this aura about him, he comes off as a really charming guy. It was almost like you could be sucked into a conversation with him about nothing and you'd be totally happy about it. I then asked him what he had planned next for him, Blago assured me that he was ready to take on the prosecution's retrial and wanted to rebuild his family and move forward with other media ventures. I told him he should have a talk show like Jerry Springer or Maury, He smiled and agreed I swear I could see the cogs turning in his head as he looked into the heavens. I brought up Sam Adams Jr's quote from the press conference about how a retrial would cost Illinois more money, Blago agreed and said that we didn't need more dead babies out in the street, I totally giggled and thought of walking down Michigan ave. playing kick the can with an infants skull. I wished Blago luck because he seemed to be preoccupied with his new line forming full of autograph seekers and well wishers. I asked him for a pic he obliged and insisted that we shake hands in the picture. As I walked away I looked back and I saw a man who believed he truly was larger than life, my nephew then asked me who that guy was... I responded "The guy in the news who's in a shit load of trouble." What a weird dude.

Tales from Wizard World 2010: Angus Oblong

That's right ladies and gentlemen that is the creator of The Oblongs and all around bad boy Angus Oblong, his manservant Sparkle, and myself at the Wizard World's Chicago Comic Con! The 4 day nerdfest wasn't very memorable for a lot of hardcore fans. But Cliff, Bruni, and most of all me will remember it as a time that we hung out with Angus Oblong.. a lot! On Thursday I got to WW at about 4:40 pm and doors opened at 5pm, Cliff and Bruni were heading there after work so when 5:00pm rolled by I headed inside. The year before I remember being pretty damn upset that Angus had skipped WW so I was hoping to see him, low and behold Angus was setting up shop with his handsome manservant Sparkle. I walked over to get the scoop as to why he didn't show the year before. "Hey! I know you!!!" yelled Angus Oblong, I was taken aback. Not only does this man meet thousands of people a year and it had been a couple since he'd seen me but he lives in L.A. where he probably sees more Mexicans that he'd probably like to. I told him that we'd seen him every year and always hung around and spent some cash at his table I even had a couple of pictures taken with him. I introduced myself and told him that my friend Rich would be super excited to hear that Angus would be there, "Well get his fat ass over here!" he exclaimed (Rich is about 115 lbs. soaking wet). I walked away and quickly texted Cliff "ANGUS OBLONG REMEMBERED MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" I was extremely flattered and my nerd hard on was raging! I forgot to mention that Angus accused me of "Coming on to him" which I replied "Hey, Its Thursday. Its FUCKING College Night!!! Anything goes BRO!!!" He got a kick out of that. I'm a damn funny guy! When Cliff got there I quickly led him to Angus' table, When we got there Angus yells "Hey BLACK!!!" (Cliff is definitely Black aka African American) Angus had us laughing our asses off while he lightheartedly belittled his manservant Sparkle. I noticed he had a Dr. Rockso figure at his table, I inquired abut it and told him it was cool. "Give me 5 bucks for it man, some fan gave it to me and I don't want it!" I called his bluff and paid him, He then signed the doll and I told him I'd carry it around in hopes that the guy who gave it to him would see me with it and feel like an asshole. I don't know if the guy ever saw me or noticed but that was the end of Day 1.


Throughout the weekend we'd pass by and hang out, Angus asked me my name a dozen times and kept forgetting so eventually he decided it would be best if he wrote it on his hand. So we fist bumped, took pics, made fun of dorky looking dudes, made horrible remarks about women and children, and I'm pretty sure we built a lot of bad karma for us. But it was worth it! Sparkle and I talked a lot he's one of the coolest guys I've met at comic cons and we had some great quick conversations. We traded facebook info and we're probably gonna end up having a bromance! Eventually Sunday came around and I really wanted to get an interview with Angus, When I asked him he was a bit nervous. Angus asked me to wait to interview until he'd had his coffee, I came back about 20 minutes later. Angus buzzed me off again and I came back 30 minutes later, he wanted to check my questions out so I let him check them out and reassured him that it would be just as if he was talking to me. After buzzing me off again I returned 15 minutes later so that he'd get "mentally prepared" for the interview. We sat down and had a great time with it! Afterward I thanked him and spent a measly 6 dollars at his table (I'm cheap OK??!!) We wished each other luck... well maybe I wished him luck and he probably yelled an obscenity at me (He's a very funny and playful guy).
Interviewing Angus Oblong has been one of the best moments so far in my short journalism career. I couldn't have asked for a better sport and to hang out with a guy who truly loves being around his fans. A lot of guys in the industry will blow you off or act very condescending towards you, but Angus treated myself, the crew, and all his fans like friends. So if you ever get to meet Angus and you buy one of his awesome books and he draws a character on the "This book belongs to.." page, It's not just a drawing its a gesture of friendship. Thank you Angus for making a lackluster Wizard World one that The Napalm Assault will never forget. Fag.

Email me @ leoperez@thenapalmassault.com for the audio of this interview, I'll be fixing the link to hear the interview soon. Thanks, sorry about that!

I'm sure this blog is kind of a miracle... right?

In case you haven't seen the latest and most talked about Insane Clown Posse video ever, I've posted it above. The video came out a few months ago and its been made fun of, SNL has made a parody, and been the hot topic with Juggalos (die hard ICP fans) everywhere! The name of the song is "Miracles" and it talks about how everyday occurrences and scientific facts are indeed "Miracles" to the Insane Clown Posse. Any one with a half a brain can tell you that your child looks like you because of genetics, ICP on the other hand calls it a "miracle". Personally I watch the video to get some good chuckles and be flat out flabbergasted by the line "Fucking magnets, How do they WORK???!!" Which has now turned into a huge internet meme.



I've tried to sit down and understand the video. I have picked at it from all angles and I've tried to "get" the song so that I can see where the "miracles" are. I have a LOT of time on my hands and nope, NO DICE! I think its safe to say that if you completely understand this video and agree with the lyric "I don't want to talk to a scientist, Ya'll motherfuckers lying and getting me pissed!" You're fucking crazy! Not funny crazy either, I'm talking about you need your family to sit you down and figure out what's the best way to get you professional help crazy. Why would a scientist LIE???!!! That boggles my mind, What scientist would say "OK, magnets work by magic spells put on them by sugar plum fairies!" The only kind of scientist that would say that is clearly one that wants to be discredited and lose all respect in the scientific community! I don't like people who call scientists liars, you might as well be a pedophile! YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!



"I've seen shit that'll shock your eyelids
The sun and the moon, and even Mars
The Milky Way and fucking shooting stars
UFOs, a river flows
Plant a little seed and nature grows"

YOU SON OF A BITCH! I've seen all those things, even the UFO I thought I saw once was actually a weather balloon but it wasn't a miracle! The sun is made up of gases not miracles, you uneducated bastard! Did the ICP miss the ENTIRE Fourth grade? I swear we learned all about this stuff during science hour! Did you guys ever plant seeds in Styrofoam cups? Mine never grew! Not because I don't believe in miracles, they didn't grow because I thought Coca-Cola would be essential to its growing process! My theory was wrong, but at least I didn't attribute my failure to miracles fucking me in the ass!

"Crows, ghosts, the midnight coast
The wonders of the world, mysteries the most"

Really? You had to throw GHOSTS in there? No one believes me about my ghosts experiences, who's gonna believe a couple of assholes who throw scientists under the bus and call them out as liars! Watch the video, but don't read too much into it. Unless you want to end up like this:


"I said...hop on!"

Arizona can suck my balls!

My whole opinion on Illegal Immigration is a bit fuzzy to say the least. I've always felt that people shouldn't break the law to live a better life. That really isn't the case anymore, I've changed my mind. Illegal Immigration is something that happens because there isn't a better way to make a better life for yourself other than to break the law. You have to admit we as American citizens have it pretty easy here, we have cell phones, cable TV, video games, and a bunch of stuff we don't need to make life a lot easier. We don't have to worry about having to feed our children as much as people in different countries have to, we get a lot of help here from various organizations. Aside from that we can choose to take almost any job we want because we have opportunity thrown at us since grade school all we have to do is reach out and take it. Illegal Immigrants don't have that, they have to fight for any scrap they can get just to have a slightly better day. What's my point? My point is that on top of all that Arizona passes a stupid law to make life more difficult for these hardworking people.

Sure they may be breaking the law and some might say they are a problem. But the truth is, Illegal Immigration wouldn't be such a big problem if people born here didn't feel like they were too good to work "shitty" jobs. What jobs do most Immigrants have? Line cooks, dishwashers, landscapers, fruit harvesters, farm work, ditch diggers, any hard physical labor. Work that most privileged people look down on because "book smarts" aren't necessary. But these people will work circles around you and ten of your friends! This law makes it so police can stop anyone that "looks illegal" and have them prove their legality. Sounds like something straight out of Nazi Germany! That's NOT what America is about, and this has me very ashamed to be an American. This law has opened my eyes to the injustice and hate that lives in this country and I will not let this happen. I support the boycott of Arizona based companies like Petsmart, Cold Stone Creamery, Discount Tires, U-Haul, etc. People will say "If you boycott them the local economy suffers too!", My answer is: TOO FUCKING BAD! You know how many people there are out there who suffer from not having enough money and working 3 jobs just to barely make ends meet for a family of 6? Some of you will NEVER know what that is like, but many of you know someone who is an illegal and in a shitty situation. I've heard things from American born citizens who say "Hey! We had it pretty rough growing up! Both my parents had to work and raise us on hand-me-downs!" If you are from here and you have to struggle to live and you aren't trying to better your situation: YOU OR YOUR PARENTS MADE SHITTY LIFE CHOICES AND DID NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE OPPORTUNITIES THIS COUNTRY OFFERS! If illegal aliens swoop in and take your jobs then you aren't working hard enough!



This country was built on the backs of immigrants, the state of Arizona has forgotten that. I bet you the Lawmakers there have a horde of illegals working their lawns and caring for their children. We who are the children or grandchildren of immigrants need to rise up and help. It took years of working with honest hard-working guys in the kitchen at Bakers Square to teach me that these people work hard. I feel embarrassed that I used to think differently and was for laws that hunted down illegals. But this law woke me up. We need to step up and back up this boycott! We need to let this country know that we are the sleeping giant, We need to keep Obama in the White House because he's the son of a immigrant too! We need to show the world that: Si se puede.

This Oil Spill is MONEY!

So everyone is really up in arms about this oil spill that happened in the Gulf of Mexico, apparently its a huge environmental disaster that we're going to feel for years to come. Dolphins are dying, pelicans are blowing up, and fish are going straight up silly in the ocean. There's a really good chance that the Gulf will never get completely cleaned up and the ecosystem is forever ruined. Great news everyone: It's not that bad!


First off, Only the stupid animals get oil on themselves. That is a true statement! Hahahaha! Look at that picture of that stupid bird! What an asshole! I bet he was all like "Hey, I wonder what all this black stuff I'm swimming in is? AWWW man! It's OIL! Really?! Who did this? Phil? Was it fucking you Phil? You're a jerk, dude! Who puts oil in the ocean? I'm such an asshole! If I was flying and not dicking around in the ocean this would never have happened! PHIL!" There's a really good chance that oceanic birds have names like Phil and whatever the above bird's name is. Many of you will say "Leo! Dolphins are super smart! Why are they affected?" FACT: "Dolphins are not smart, if they were they would not live in the BORING ocean." -Dr. Mortimer Smartzenstein. Dolphins get stuck in Tuna nets all the time, I have never been caught in a net. EVER. So therefore I'm smarter than a dolphin and if I'm smarter than a dolphin they are pretty fucking dumb.

Secondly, We can't drink salt water. Trust me I've tried many times but it can't be done. What's my point? The oil spilled in water right? We drink water right? The water the oil spilled in was salt water right? We can't drink salt water right? THE OIL SPILL HAPPENED ON SHIT WE DON'T FUCKING NEED ANYWAY!!!!!!!!! Is everyone living in crazy town?! Why does everyone care?! Not only that but the most contaminated areas are islands protected to preserve wildlife. So they're animals we cant hunt to make food from! Worthless! All of those animals are worthless, the water is undrinkable, and islands aren't even man enough to be continents! Suck my dick planet Earth!


Lets wrap this shit up! It all seems clear to me that all of you tree hugging hippies and eco friendly hipsters don't want the inevitable Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland from Mad Max to happen. You people don't want this happening because you're a bunch of pussies! Lord knows you can't put up a fight wearing nerd glasses and fedoras, you wouldn't last two seconds in the fucking THUNDERDOME! Your "going green society" has turned you into the punk ass marks that would be the first to fall under the iron hand of Lord Humungus and his futuristic biker gang. I'm a firm believer that the oil spill is the first in a set of cataclysmic events that will bring forth the environmental apocalypse, and I'm getting ready for the world of tomorrow. While my gang is pillaging your hipster havens for its resources and my hard hand is choking your scrawny neck while you're coughing up blood onto your skinny jeans, you'll think "Damn he was right... That oil spill WAS money!"
BOOM!

Iron Man 2.... Love it or leave 'Merica!

Many of us called the first Iron Man: The best documentary EVER made. Iron Man 2 is the other best documentary ever filmed in REAL TIME! This movie is incredible! If you're a Marvel buff (like me) this movie is the closest we'll ever get to watching our children be born (don't kid yourselves we're fucking nerds, we don't get sex... without paying). Iron Man 2 is what we want all of our comic book movies to be, and Marvel Studios is delivering! Marvel Studios is keeping true to the characters and story lines of all its product while entertaining the movie crowd and keeping nerds happy!

Watching this movie gets me all hot and bothered with anticipation for the Thor, Captain America and Avengers movies. They have done such a fantastic job bringing Tony Stark to the big screen, Robert Downey Jr. plays him so well and he should really just start living like a Billionaire superhero playboy because however he lives his life in the real world is a fucking lie! I also like how they don't have Iron Man fighting petty street thugs because he isn't Batman, Iron Man battles big time super-villains and bangs chicks during breaks from kicking ass. I've read reviews where people state that there was too much talking in this film and not enough action till the end. Here's a newsflash: Iron Man has always been about Tony Stark, actually ALL Marvel comics have emphasized on the humanity of the characters more than the "super alter ego". That's why we learn more about Peter Parker and his troubles than we do about Spider-Man, or Bruce Banners dilemma with being a monster than we focus on the Hulk. I was more than happy with 2 and a half action sequences in a blockbuster super hero movie. We need to see Tony Stark dealing with his larger than life persona and witness his flawed character. More than anything we need to understand that Iron Man is perfect while Tony Stark is a complete screw up!

Mickey Rourke is great in this movie! Aside from his grandpa titties and dirtball looking face, Mickey Rourke was a hell of a Whiplash. Mickey Rourke OWNS his characters and did his complete best to become Whiplash. Can anyone not like Sam Rockwell? Sam Rockwell can play a complete douche better than anyone, He's like a better acting, uglier, more talented, smarter, but more of a failure Johnny from the Karate Kid. I UNDERSTAND THAT THAT DESCRIBES SOMEONE OTHER THAN JOHNNY FROM THE KARATE KID BUT SAM ROCKWELL IS AWESOME! The introduction of these two characters was exceptional and for the first time multiple villains has actually worked in a comic book movie! (Two-Face from the Dark Knight? Yeah... His five minutes as a minor annoyance was real super-villain worthy.
The last scene with Iron Man and War Machine fighting robot drones was ridiculous! I felt like we needed to see Iron Man just wrecking shit up, beating up on unmanned robo drones and making unnecessary decisions like fighting near civilian areas is awesome! Action scenes like this are truly a fanboys wet dream and they really stay true to the comics with Iron Man using the Unibeam, Repulsor blasts, and cool moves he can only do once because seeing it two many times kills the effect of seeing the move in the first place!

Iron Man 2 is doing such a great job at leading up to the Avengers, I really need to see that movie NOW! Especially if its full of Skrulls and a fight scene with the Hulk I might need an oxygen tank and a clean pair of pants at the theatre because I might have an actual SHIT ATTACK! Stop reading this and go see the damn movie! STAY AFTER THE CREDITS!!!!

C2E2 Avatar Press panel by John Bruni

I've got Bruni here again with some awesome news and a great article on the Avatar Press panel from C2E2. Sorry its late guys... I HAVE A JOB!

The Avatar Press Panel
By John Bruni

As one who has worked as a journalist and reviewer in the past, I hate to break the fourth wall. It’s downright unprofessional. It even bothers me when Shakespeare threw asides into his plays. But for the Avatar panel, I have to do it. I have no choice. You’ll see why.

Cliff and I went to the Avatar panel, and when I saw there were only a handful of attendees, I shook my head. Some of the best work in the industry could be found with Avatar’s logo on it, and this was the biggest crowd they could get?

Brian Pulido took to the lectern while the rest of the panel took seats at the table: Mike Wolfer, Jacen Burrows, William Christensen, and Christos Gage. Gage was the last to arrive because he said he’d gotten lost, that he’d tried every panel room, and this was the last one. (That’s another problem with McCormick Place: it’s really hard to navigate.)

From the very introduction, it was clear that this was not to be an ordinary panel. The ball-busting began very soon in the presentation, and it did not let up a bit. Off-color remarks were hurled about, including cursing, which one simply does not find at, say, a Marvel panel. I think Karen Berger said “shit” twice at the Vertigo panel, but that’s nothing compared to how the air turned blue around the Avatar guys. At one point, they declared that their evening event with George R.R. Martin and Max Brooks would feature the ritual sacrifice of William Christensen, but the joke stopped when they realized that they should never sacrifice the money.

But in between the gloriously inappropriate humor, actual information was mentioned to the crowd. The biggest news Avatar had to offer was their new imprint, Boundless Comics, of which LADY DEATH was going to be the flagship title. In the year 1351, Lady Death has fallen from grace. Her powers are gone, and so is her memory of them. She makes her living as an assassin and thief in the Dark Ages. Then, she encounters a rebel demon who tries to convince her that she used to be something more than what she is. Pulido promises that the new storyline will not fuck with the old Lady Death, and fans will not be disappointed.

The next biggest news is the return of CROSSED, and I’m not just talking about the comics series. There is also a movie in the works with the screenplay written by Garth Ennis. It is to be a live-action movie, and many on the panel tried to speculate as to how much of Ennis’ grotesque story will make it onto the big screen. They wondered about one thing in particular: the horse cock. (Readers will know what I’m talking about.) Will there be “live action horse cock?” In addition, there will be a second series of CROSSED, launched by Ennis and Burrows before it is handed off to a new creative team. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is disappointed to hear that the reins will be passed on, but I have faith in Avatar. They’ve never let me down before.

Burrows talked about his new project with Alan Moore, NEONOMICON, which is the sequel to THE COURTYARD, both of which you can read more about in my interview with Burrows. He also quoted Moore at the panel: “[This is] HPL as done by HBO.”

The final project they discussed was Gage’s upcoming sequel to ABSOLUTION, which is titled ABSOLUTION: RUBICON, in which the protagonist, who had turned to a life of killing villains who couldn’t be touched by the law, is on the run from his superhero/cop friends as he continues his new calling in life.

And then the show was turned over to Q&A. Every single person in this very small crowd had a question, which goes to show the dedication of the Avatar fan. Then, I put my hand up, and Pulido told me to state my name and who I work for.

I’ve known him for many years now. In fact, my job as a reviewer of comic books kind of began because of him. Back when I was just a mere fan, I was big into his EVIL ERNIE books, but there was a period of time when they were starting to disappoint me. Rather than gripe and moan about the horrible state of comics, like most do (and this was a time before the internet was prominent in armchair critics lives), I wrote an eight-page letter to Chaos!, in which I critiqued EE, not just pointing out where they were going wrong, but also showing where they’ve done really well.

Part of the letter was published in an issue of EE, and I was named Fiend of the Month. Pulido actually called me up to discuss a few of the points I’d made, and during that phone call, he invited me out to Wizard World Chicago to meet him. It wound up being my first convention. (Not long after this conversation, I went on to start reviewing comic books for the Elmhurst College LEADER, and my first review was of EE.)

So, I’ve seen him every year from that moment on, and I’m sure he was surprised to see me show up in a suit to C2E2 this year. I explained that I was a working member of the press for this convention. As I was the only one working for the press in the room (Cliff had yet to read his first Avatar book at that point), I was singled out for this bit of ball-busting.

I had interviewed almost everyone at the panel, and they remembered me, so they broke out laughing. Then, the panelist who was wondering about the CROSSED movie suddenly laughed and said, “Don’t quote me on the horse cock thing!”

It was my greatest moment as a journalist.

Anyway, my question was regarding Boundless Comics. I wanted to know if they were planning on having BELLADONNA, GYPSY, and WAR ANGEL as titles for their new imprint. Christiansen and Pulido exchanged glances, and the former said, “We haven’t discussed that yet.” They said that it was a possibility, and Pulido asked me, “Is that something you’d like to see?”

Considering how open he is to his audience (since after my eight-page letter, EE went on to some of his awesomest, mind-blowingest adventures), I answered with a resounding yes. “Especially WAR ANGEL,” I said.

Pulido then mentioned that he’d heard that WAR ANGEL was actually 50-Cent’s favorite comic book. A bit of weird trivia. Who knows? It might come in handy someday.

So, there are a lot of excellent things coming from Avatar and Boundless soon. If you’re not on board yet, you need to buy your ticket. You’ll get a kick out of the ride.